
Glass. 
Book. 






PUNSTER'S POCKET-BOOK, 

OR 

ENLARGED. 



BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. 

AUTHOR OF THE ENGLISH SPY, ETC ETC. ETC. 




Give me the man, when all is done, 
That wisely cracks a jest or pun." 



ILLUSTRATED WITH 

Bumetoutf SDrtglnal De#iffti£ 
BY ROBERT CRUIKSHANK. 



i 



LONDON : 



PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, GILBERT, AND PIPER, 
PATERNOSTER-ROW. 



1826. 



-f>tf fca.3* 



LONDON : 

PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITErRIABS. 



TO 

KING GEORGE THE FOURTH, 

THE ARBITER ELEGANTIARUM, 

THE PATRON, 

THE LOVER, 

AND THE JUDGE OF WIT, 

THIS LITTLE VOLUME IS DEDICATED, 

WITH THE MOST FERVENT LOYALTY, 

THE MOST SINCERE ADMIRATION, 

AND THE MOST PROFOUND RESPECT, 

BY HIS DEVOTED SERVANT, 

AND FAITHFUL SUBJECT, 





WORD 



THE WITTY AND THE WISE. 



Wit led the way — with sportive jest, 
Next, Humour, most fantastic drest ; 
The Graces, eldest of the Nine, 
Followed — collecting from each shrine, 
Where Genius shed a ray of light, 
Which might improve, instruct, delight. 



Messieurs the Punsters, 

I may with great propriety contend, that under 

such merry designation, I am addressing a very 

large portion of the British public. If, beneath 

your patronage, this little work should prove as 



VI TO THE WITTY AND THE WISE. 

successful as the nattering anticipations of some 
friendly adepts in the art of punning have induced 
me to expect, it is my intention to collect and 
publish, annually, all the choicest Morceaux and 
Vagaries relating to punning that can be obtained 
from the wits and witty works of our own times : 
for which purpose I solicit communications of ori- 
ginal Puns and Epigrams, directed to my Pub- 
lishers. In arranging the present work, I have 
endeavoured to bring together all that was im- 
portant to a proper understanding of the Merry 
Art ; to which are annexed examples by the most 
celebrated Punsters of their day ; many of which 
now, for the first time, appear in print. Illus- 
trated by fourteen original and appropriate de- 
signs, from that mirth-inspiring graphic humourist, 
Robert Cruikshank. , 

For mine own whims, scattered here and there 
through the work, they will, I have no doubt, be 
easily discovered, by their very humble pretensions 
to any right of admission into the phalanx of great 
names in whose company they are now associated. 



VII 

But, Wits and Critics, as ye are powerful, be mer- 
ciful ; and remember, that taste and industry for 
such a task are the great requisites of a compiler, 
and that it is not essentially necessary for a good 
collector to be a great artist. 

BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, 

Author of the English Spy, Editor of The Spirit of 
the Public Journals, &;c. £$c. 



THE FRONTISPIECE. 

portrait of fr* $9ajc;Stp dBeorffe tfa JFotttt$. 

DRAWN FROM THE LIFE 3Y WAGEMAN, AND ENGRAVED 
BY WOLNOTH. 



Explanation of the Emblematic Border to the Portrait of 
the King, containing an Epitome of British Sovereignty. 

The Genius of Ancient Britain is represented by a Drui- 
dical head encircled by a wreath of oak ; the face is partly 
hidden behind the blazonry of modern achievement. The 
head, supported by the Roman eagle and the Saxon horse, 
is inclosed in the involutions of the scroll which proceeds 
from it, and which next embraces the devouring eagle of 
Scandinavia, and the warlike lion of Normandy. Following 
these are emblems of the contests of the houses of York and 



Vlll 



Lancaster, surrounded by the rival roses. The Scriptures 
opened are appropriate to the Tudor family ; and their na- 
tional emblem, the thistle, is considered most emblematical 
of the Stuart race. A lion, with the cap of liberty, denotes 
the benefits England has derived from their successors, the 
Prince of Orange ; and the unicorn chained to the scroll is 
indicative of Hanover attached to the sovereignty of Great 
Britain. The imperial crown of Charlemagne, which sur- 
mounts Brunswick, is nearly obscured and lost behind the 
crown and sceptre of a British sovereign, George the Fourth, 

WHOM GOD PRESERVE. 



CONTENTS. 



Page 

Dedication to the King i 

A Word to the Witty and the Wise .... iii 

Description of Frontispiece ...... vii 

Prolegomena on Punning 1 

Origin of Punning 11) 

Art of Punning, by Swift and Sheridan .... 23 

Satire on Sheridan, by Dr. Tisdal 68 

Dying Speech of Tom Ashe 72 

A Pestilent Neighbour 77 

Punning Epistle on Money 78 

God's Revenge against Punning, by Dr. Arbuthnot . . 79 

The Birth of a Pun 84 

Antiquity of Puns ........ 85 

Punning on Surnames . . . ... . 86 

Punning run mad . 90 

Bashful on Punning . 93 

Examples in Punning .97 

W. R. V— ana . . 125 

Norburyana 129 

Punning Epigrams . .143 

The Punster's Court 165 

Puns for all Purposes 166 

A Punning Essay 183 

Every Man his own Punster ■ 190 



ILLUSTRATIONS. 

Page 

K l. Vignette to Title— The Punster's Court. 
'2. The Dance of Wit ...-••• y 

-3. Squibs and Crackers, a 5th of November scene . . 1 " 

•4. The Androgynos, or Jove's Pun .... 19^ 

5. The Art of Punning 23 

^6. The Lord's Humbassador 63 ' 

-7. The Dancing Punster 



8. The Birth of a Pun 

9. The Bashful Punster 



84 
98 



10. The Magic of Punning 96 

11. The Punster's Bowl 9 ? 

sl2. Lord Norbury and Court 129 

13. The Sporting Punsters 143 

14. Death of Poor Carlo . 164 

15. Gunpowder Wit 166 

16. Tartani's Dream 182 

With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work. 



PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING. 

RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED 

TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL. 



LITERARY FIREWORKS. 

What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks ? 
But Literary Fireworks. 

Here are squibs for dull November ; 
Crackers, too, for gay December ; 
Rockets, charged with wit and fun ; 
Wild-fires made to touch and run ; 
Blue-lights from the Em'rald Isle ; 
British-halls, to chase the bile; 
Roman fires 3 sacidijeux d'esprits; 
From Vatican, and Thuilleries ; 
And here's Blackmantle — punning elf- 
To personate Guy Vaux himself. 



It will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader 
that a Prefatory Essay on such a subject as Punning 
can possess little of interest, and nothing of novelty.. 
I would, however, request any one entertaining 
this idea to suspend his judgment till he has given 
the matter ampler consideration. 



2 PROLEGOMENA 

In addressing these preliminary remarks to pun- 
sters in general, I think I have taken effectual means 
to render them of universal interest. When a cer- 
tain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes 
" to those who think? was charged with want of 
judgment in catering for such a limited number of 
individuals, he justified his discernment by observ- 
ing, that, however little numerous the body of think- 
ing people might be, every reader would at least rank 
himself in that class. Our question can stand on 
much broader ground ; for we assert, without fear 
of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons 
who, without doubt, will peruse and patronise these 
pages, not one will be found who is not only, seju- 
dice, a punster, but who has not, probably " many 
a time and oft,'" exhibited among his boon com- 
panions whatever portion of talent he may possess 
in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well- 
known writer, '■' Did any man of liberal education 
ever go through his teens without perpetrating the 
crime of making verses ?" I am contented to wave 
the narrow distinction, by which uneducated per- 
sons would be excepted, and, with respect to the 
nobler and far more generally diffused art of pun- 
ning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his 
rank or attainments, reach his twentieth year, with- 



ON PUNNING. • 

out (we will not speak so inaccurately as to say, 
perpetrating the crime, but) contributing one or 
more puns to the common stock ? Certainly not. 
What the ancients rather hyperbolically asserted 
of writing (for the many, who were uninstructed in 
the mechanical part of that art, could not by possi- 
bility have exercised it), Scribimus indocti doctique, 
is literally true as applied to punning : lettered and 
unlettered, all alike pun away. From the humble 
son of Crispin, who, having nothing but one of his 
sutorial weapons at hand wherewith to despatch his 
cotelette de bc&uf, remarked that his all was at stake, 
to the gifted Sheridan, who discovered that Doc- 
tors 1 Commons was the greatest thoroughfare in 
England, in virtue of the old adage, " where there 
is a will, there is a way," each man sports his 
calembourg. 

Still, as it frequently happens that what is most 
generally practised, is far from being best under- 
stood, so is it with punning. It has been too much 
the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness ; 
to regard it as mere trifling ; to view it at best as a 
feeble missile from the armoury of wit, only adapted 
for the " puny (query punny ?) whipster ,*" and 
which those who are qualified to wield more va- 

e2 



PROLEGOMENA 



luable weapons would scarcely deign to employ. 
I trust that, in the course of these introductory ob- 
servations, I shall effectually dispel all such er- 
roneous prejudices, and shall satisfactorily assert 
the true dignity of the art, so that my readers may 
join with me in exclaiming, 

" Punica se quantis attollet gloria rebus I" 

and may perceive, that it is not only venerable 
from its antiquity, and supported by the authority 
of persons of taste and learning, who have inva- 
riably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial 
to the bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual 
improvement of the community. 

With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated 
of by the most eminent writers upon rhetoric among 
the ancients, who not only class it among the beau- 
ties of language, but have stamped it with the dig- 
nity of a distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an 
appropriate name. I make no observations upon 
the injudicious attempts of some modern commen- 
tators to ally it to the paranomasia, it being evi- 
dently the antanaclasis of the rhetoricians. The 
great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.) enumerates two or 
three different species of tfagocypx^ocra, the name. 



ON l'UNNING. 5 

he gives to puns, in his remarks upon this figure, 
and cites examples of each kind, with expressions 
of commendation, from some of the most celebrated 
Greek authors. In Cicero's treatise on Oratory, a 
variety of instances of the antanaclasis are quoted, 
and highly praised by him for their wit. His own 
puns, with which his works abound, are more di- 
stinguished for their number than their excellence : 
humour does not appear to have been his forte, but 
his frequent attempts at punning sufficiently evince 
the high estimation in which it was held by himself 
and his contemporaries. The ancient poets, strange 
as it may appear, were not, in general, adepts in 
this art, if we except Aristophanes among the 
Greeks, and Ovid and Martial among the Latins. 
From the two last mentioned writers (the former of 
whom indeed would readily furnish a cento of puns) 
I beg leave to select two examples. The one is 
where Ovid makes Leander say, " Posito cum 
veste timore ,•" the other is the well-known epigram 
by Martial on the emperor Nero : 

" Quis negat JEneae natum de stirpe Neronem f 
Sustulit hie matrem, sustulit ille patrem." 

I adduce these examples, because Addison, after 
erroneously defining a pun to be merely " a conceit 



6 PROLEGOMENA 

arising from the use of two words that agree in the 
sound, but differ in the sense," goes on to inform us 
that if translated into a different language, it will 
vanish in the experiment ; in fact he would re- 
present it as vox et prceterea nihil, a sound, and 
nothing but a sound. Unquestionably there are a 
multitude of puns that might answer this de- 
scription, but it is far from being applicable to all. 
In the two instances I have just brought forward, 
the words posito and sustulit can be exactly trans- 
lated into English, and both the sense and the pun 
retained. The truth is, that Addison, like many 
more who have thought proper to be very severe on 
the talents of the punning fraternity, was evidently 
not very accurately acquainted with the nature of 
what he was attacking. 

If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly ad- 
vanced in favour of punning, the continued ad- 
herence of all nations in all periods to the practice, 
may likewise with reason be urged in its support. 
Nor are its ramifications of slight importance. It 
may be considered as the origin of technical terms, 
most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to 
be virtual puns or conundrums ; as the parent of 
double entendre of every description ; and even as 
containing the germs of that dang formerly con- 



ON PUNNING. 



fined to the lower walks of life, but, in our more 
enlightened days, emulously studied even among 
the Corinthian pillars of polished society. 

The number of final letters, which among the 
French are mere ciphers in pronunciation, has al- 
ways given them a decided advantage in puns of 
mere words over every other nation. Their writings 
and conversation are alike replete with them ; but 
they are almost invariably of that kind alluded to 
by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but 
their native dress. Indeed this is almost a necessary 
consequence of the very circumstance already al- 
luded to, which ensures them such superior facility 
in the production of puns. A brace of these I shall 
present my readers with, both as exhibiting a strong 
confirmation of what I have above said, and as being 
of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling 
excellence. The first of these is the reply made by 
a Parisian wit, to a person who asked him what 
was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. 
He answered that they were only disciples of dif- 
ferent philosophers : the lice being followers of 
Epictetus (des pique-tetes), and the fleas of Epi- 
curus (des piqueurs). The other is an epigram, 
much talked off at the time of its appearance in the 
French metropolis, written by some wag, under a 



8 PROLEGOMENA 

picture of Louis XVIII. painted by Le Gros, and 
placed in one of the public exhibitions. The 
striking resemblance of the head and neck of that 
monarch to those of a rabbit is well known ; and of 
this circumstance the malicious epigrammatist thus 
happily avails himself in the pasquinade referred 
to: 

Le Gros l'a peint ! (Jegros lapin !) 

Le Gros l'a peint ! 

Notre bon souverain. 

De la peinture admirez la magie : 

Tout le monde a la fois s'ecrie, 

Le Gros l'a peint ! 

Le Gros l'a peint ! 

As I have assumed the privilege in these re- 
marks of being as desultory and digressive as I 
please, I shall here notice what I term macaroni 
punning, effected by a fictitious melange of different 
languages. Sometimes this will arise from the in- 
spection of a single word. Who, for instance, 
can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coin- 
cidence by which an accommodating fair one is in 
Latin designated meretrix ? This, however, is the 
simplest effort of the macaroni class, and far from 
implying that ingenuity visible in 'higher flights of 
the same kind, which are frequently conspicuous 



ON PUNNING. 9 

for their wit and pithiness. Lord Erskine's in- 
scription on his tea chest, Tu doces, is of great 
merit in its way. Lord Norbury, I believe, has 
the reputation of having observed, upon seeing 
some young fellow vain of his personal attractions 
almost in tears at contemplating the manner in 
which the nocturnal attacks of a band of jumpers 
had disfigured his face, " Fle-bit, he will weep." 
His countryman Curran's reply to his rival counsel 
Egan, will not easily be forgotten. The latter, 
coming out of court, and observing on Cumin's 
coat a certain disgrace to the poll, addressed him 
in the words of Virgil : 

" Die mini, Damceta, cujum pecus ? an Meliboei ?" 

Curran immediately replied by completing the 
passage : 

" Non, verum JEgonis : nuper mihi tradidit JEgon." 

Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation 
on seeing a Cremona violin swept off a table by a 
lady's mantua : 

" Mantua, vae ! miserae nimium vicina Cremona?" 

will always stand at the head of puns of this class. 
I own that I am particularly delighted with a 



10 PROLEGOMENA 

good macaroni pun. It necessarily implies, not 
only superior wit, but a considerable fund of learn- 
ing, on the part of the punster. And what is still 
better, it shows that this learning is free from the 
rust of pedantry, tending to enliven those around 
him, and not to create in him a repulsive conceit, 
and a haughty estrangement from society. His 
candle is not hidden under a bushel, but freely and 
cheerfully dispenses its light : His treasure is not 
kept in the form of useless hoarded bullion, but is 
converted into a valuable circulating medium, the 
coin being liberally and extensively distributed by 
its owner. 

The inmates of universities have usually been 
remarked for their attachment to punning. The 
men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever, from 
their foundation, been distinguished by their excel- 
lence as paragrammatists. It surely not a little 
exalts this noble art, that those who have enjoyed 
peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating every 
thing connected both with abstruse and polite li- 
terature, should have sedulously cultivated it. And 
I think I may be allowed to say, in contradiction 
to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity 
to undervalue it, that I never met with a person 



ON PUNNING. 11 

incapable of some degree of excellence in punning, 
who was remarkable for any species of wit above 
the practical jokes of a merry-andrew. 

But it is not only on its high antiquity, its ex- 
tensive diffusion, or the distinguished authorities 
that can be adduced in support of it, that the claims 
of punning are founded. The philosopher who 
defined man to be to Xjmw ysXcov, certainly selected 
the only characteristic besides that of speech, which 
particularly and exclusively distinguishes man from 
the brute creation. 

" 'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, 
The only laughing animal is man. 
The bear may leap, its lumpish cubs in view, 
Or sportive cat her circling tail pursue ; 
The grin deep-lengthen pug's half-human face, 
Or prick'd up ear confess the simp'ring ass : 
In awkward gestures awkward mirth be shown, 
Yet, spite of gesture, man still laughs alone." 

Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished 
prerogative of our nature, what is a more certain 
stimulant than a pun ? If it be good, you laugh 
at the pun ; if bad, at the punster ; and in either 
case, he is almost certain to laugh himself. More- 



12 PROLEGOMENA 

over, the punster is one of all others, " quern jocus 
risusque circumvolat f not only witty himself, but 
the cause of wit in others ; for it is rarely, indeed, 
in the social circle, that one pun is not the signal 
for a series of others. The cards are generally 
played after the first is led, till the suit is fairly 
out. 

But laughter is not only one of the principal fa- 
culties which distinguish man from inferior animals ; 
it likewise contributes greatly to the promotion and 
preservation of health. " Laugh and grow fat," is 
a very old and a very wise adage. 

And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the 
ribs is wholesome, good, firm fat, bearing no re- 
semblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the 
bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed 
with laughter-begotten fat are, moreover, in ge- 
neral, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful, 
and enterprising ; as dissimilar to the indolent, 
arthritic, or the selfish gourmand, as to the cada- 
verous, saturnine, acetous beings who stalk about 
like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary 
motion, and presenting a memento mori to all they 
meet. And if such be the genial, the beneficial, 
effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the 



ON PUNNING. IS 

practice of punning, that most apt and prompt in- 
strument of promoting it ? 

In another point of view, too, this art doth not a 
little contribute to the advancement and improve- 
ment of moral feeling. How often have the aspe- 
rities incident to conversation been instantly soft- 
ened down by the means of a well-timed pun? 
How many a rising storm of colloquial debate and 
controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same 
salutary agency, when wisdom would have failed 
to convince, or mediation to conciliate ? The able 
punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities 
than any other character, of securing the blessing 
pronounced upon the peace-maker. 

The pious Dr.. Watts, in his Introduction to 
Logic, has commented on the moral as well as 
literary evils arising from the number of equivocal 
and the comparative paucity of univocal words. 
Now the knowledge of a disease being half its cure, 
who is so likely to be exempt from the evils arising 
from the above-mentioned sources as the punster ? 
Every fresh touch of his art may be considered as 
a discovery of some more of these dangerous equi- 
vocate, and indeed his whole life may be regarded 
as a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, com- 



14< PROLEGOMENA 

birring the double advantage of exciting mirth by 
their timely production, and affording a salutary 
warning to the hearer against the employment of 
such Proteus terms in grave and serious discussion. 
Thus again we see the paragrammatist enabled to 
contribute in a high degree to the social enjoyment, 
literary improvement, and moral amelioration of 
his fellow creatures. 

If wit consists principally, as the first of modern 
philosophers has affirmed, in the unexpected asso- 
ciation of ideas apparently far removed in their na- 
ture from each other, punning must, in its very 
essence, claim to rank in the highest class of wit. 
And how must the frequent exercise of searching 
for such associations, and bringing them however 
recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the indi- 
vidual engaged in it ! We have already adverted 
to the general practice of this art among the mem- 
bers of our universities ; we may likewise observe 
that the learned body of the law, a body distin- 
guished perhaps beyond any other for their su- 
perior shrewdness, and extent of general informa- 
tion, are universally partial to it. The barrister 
who pleads, and the judge who directs, are alike 
ambitious to display their excellence in this highly 



ON PUNNING. 15 

prized art ; and justice herself, though for the sake 
of her character she must needs be blind, is rarely 
found deaf to the sallies of the punster. 

Ohel jam satis est. Sufficient, we are persuaded, 
has been said to satisfy all persons of the value 
and excellence of punning, except indeed the ob- 
stinately incredulous ; and such, as a just pu- 
nishment, we would excommunicate for ever from 
the enjoyment of puns, and the society of punsters. 
Can we pronounce a severer doom ? 

But as the best of things are the most liable to 
abuses, so has the cause of punning suffered much 
from the want of judgment evinced by many of its 
votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute 
to maintaining this noble art in the possession of 
its well-merited reputation, we venture a few words 
of caution to some of its professors on the errors 
too frequently committed by them. 

Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little 
indeed if the point can be anticipated. Hence 
proper names, though they have in some few in- 
stances been successfully worked upon, are in ge- 
neral bad materials for the punster. The attempt 
to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown, Scott, 
England, and id genus omne, if productive of any 



16 PROLEGOMENA 

laughter, is of that only which is excited by 
the imbecility and empty pretensions of him who 
makes it- In justice to our contemporary John 
Bull, we must observe that on this very dangerous 
ground, he is almost the only person who has had 
the singular felicity of uniformly appearing with 
success. 

For the same reason that we object to proper 
names, we need scarcely observe that all trite puns 
are detestable. There are a number of words, 
such as heart, love, soul, last, grave, and a host of 
others, that have been fairly worn thread-bare in 
the service. Let him whose wit is not competent 
to discover some other sources than these hackneyed 
ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a 
circle of punsters. Decies repetita placebit, how- 
ever just it may be as the criterion of merit in a 
poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief 
excellencies is novelty, — nay, which often, however 
rich at the moment of its utterance, will not suc- 
cessfully admit of repetition, even to those who 
have never before heard it, at another time and 
under different circumstances. 

A pun can rarely be considered very good, which 
involves a difference of orthography. It appears 



ON PUNNING. 17 

like a descent from its true dignity to the level of 
a common conundrum. 

Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that 
punning is only the sauce of conversation, and that 
he who thinks to entertain by introducing it con- 
tinually into his discourse, resembles a man who 
should present me with a dish of Cayenne pepper 
alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be ob- 
served, that what is usually called an inveterate, 
is never a good punster. The constant desire of 
display, by accustoming himself to be contented 
with mediocrity, or something below it, almost 
disqualifies him from uttering any thing above it. 
We may say with justice, " a pun spoken in good 
season, how good is it V Time, and place, and 
persons too, must be regarded. The punster, while 
he enlivens conversation, is one of the greatest ac- 
quisitions to a company ; when he only interrupts 
it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more 
could we add concerning both the theory and 
practice of this art, but we would not willingly 
become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, 
receive in good part what we have here written ; 
imbue thyself with such a love of punning, and 
such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may 
exalt and not degrade it : so shalt thou merit the 

c 



18 



PROLEGOMENA, &C. 



good wish which, with a sincere heart, we now 
bestow upon thee : Mayest thou become one of the 
warmest admirers of punning, and shine as one of 
the first of punsters ! 




THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING 

from plato's symposiacks. 

BY DR. SHERIDAN. 

Once on a time in merry mood, 
Jove made a Pun of flesh and blood : 
A double two-faced living creature, 
Androgynos, of two-fold nature, 
For back to back with single skin 
He bound the male and female in ; 
So much alike, so near the same, 
They stuck as closely as their name. 
Whatever words the male exprest, 
The female turn'd them to a jest ; 
Whatever words the female spoke, 
The male converted to a joke : 
So, in this form of man and wife 
They led a merry punning life. 

The gods from heaven descend to earth, 
Drawn down by their alluring mirth ; 



20 THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING. 

So well they seem'd to like the sport, 

Jove could not get them back to court. 

Th' infernal gods ascend as well, 

Drawn up by magic puns from helL 

Judges and furies quit their post, 

And not a soul to mind a ghost. 

' Heyday!" says Jove : says Pluto too, 

' I think the Devil's here to do ; 

Here's hell broke loose, and heaven's quite empty ; 

We scarce have left one god in twenty. 

Pray what has set them all a-running T — 

' Dear brother, nothing else but punning. 

Behold that double creature yonder 

Delights them with a double entendre? 

4 Odds-fish,' says Pluto, 6 where 's your thunder ? 

Let's drive, and split this thing asunder !' 

' That's right,' quoth Jove ; with that he threw 

A bolt, and split it into two ; 

And when the thing was split in twain, 

Why then it punn'd as much again. 
' 'Tis thus the diamonds we refine, 

The more we cut, the more they shine ; 

And ever since your men of wit, 

Until they're cut, can't pun a bit. 

So take a starling when 'tis young, 

And down the middle slit the tongue, 



THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING. 21 

With groat or sixpence, 'tis no matter, 
You'll find the bird will doubly chatter. 

4 Upon the whole, dear Pluto, you know, 
'Tis well I did not slit my Juno ! 
For, had I done't, whene'er she'd scold me, 
She'd make the heavens too hot to hold me.' 

The gods, upon this application, 

Return'd each to his habitation, 

Extremely pleas'd with this new joke ; 

The best, they swore, he ever spoke. 




ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM ; 

THE 

ART OF PUNNING, 

OR, 

THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES: 

IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES: 

FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION, 
AND HELP OF MEMORY. 

BY THE 

LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM P UN-SI BI. 



Ex ambigua dicta vel argutissima putantur ; sed non semper in 
joco, ssepe etiam in gravitate versantur. Ingeniosi enim videtur, 
vim verbi in aliud atque cseteri accipiant, posse ducere." 

Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. § 61, 2. 



TO 
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE 

SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART. 

AND WINE-MERCHANT, 

THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE 
AUTHOR. 

Your honour's character is too well known in the 
world to stand in need of a dedication ; but I can 
tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but 
I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since 
I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, 
proceed in the usual method. 

First, I then proclaim to the world your high 
and illustrious birth : that you are, by the father's 
side, descended from the most ancient and cele- 
brated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mo- 
ther's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been 
so malicious as to say, your grandmother kilVd-lier- 
kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were 
found out, they ought to be hampered. I will 
allow that the world exclaims deservedly against 
your mother ', because she is no friend to the bottle ,- 



DEDICATION. 



otherwise they would deserve ajirkin, as having no 
grounds for what they say. However, I do not 
think it can sully your Jine and bright reputation ; 
for the credit you gained at the battle of Hogshed, 
against the Duke of Burgundy, who felt no sham- 
pain, when you forced him to sink beneath your 
power, and gave his whole army a brush, may in 
time turn to your account ; for, to my knowledge, 
it put his highness upon the fret. This indeed 
was no less racking to the king his master, who 
found himself gross-lee mistaken in catching a tartar. 
For the whole world allowed, that you brought him 
a peg lower, by giving him the parting-blow, and 
making all his rogues in buckram to run. Not to 
mention your great a-gillity, though you are past 
your prim-age ; and may you never lack-age, with 
a sparkling wit, and brisk imagination ! May your 
honour also wear long, beyond the common scant- 
ling of human life, and constantly proceed in your 
musical diversions of pipe and sack-but, hunting 
with tarriers, &c. and may your good humour in 
saying, " I am-phor-a-bottle ? never be lost to the 
joy of all them that drink your wine for nothing, 
and especially of, 

Your humble servant, 

Tom Pun-Sibi. 



A SPECIMEN; 

A SPICE I MEAN. 



PREFACE. 

Haec nos, ah imis Pun-icorum annalibus 
Prolata, longo tempore edidimus tibi. Fest. 

I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show 
Puns were in vogue five thousand years ago. 

The great and singular advantages of Punning, 
and the lustre it gives to conversation, are com- 
monly so little known in the world, that scarce one 
man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, 
appears to have the least tincture of it in his dis- 
course. This I can impute to nothing but that it 
hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed 
Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may 
gather from his second book de Oratore *, where 
he has this remarkable passage : " Suavis autem 
est et vehementer saepe utilis jocus et facetiae cum 

* Lib. ii- 6 liv. 



28 PREFACE TO THE 

ambiguitate —in quibus tu longe aliis mea sententia, 
Coesar. excellis : quo magis mihi etiam testis esse 
potes, aut nullam esse artem salis, aut, si qua est, 
earn nos tu potissimum docebis." " Punning is 
extremely delightful, and oftentimes very profitable; 
in which, as far as I can judge, Caesar, you excel 
all mankind ; for which reason you may inform me, 
whether there be any art of Punning'; or, if there 
be, I beseech you, above all things, to instruct me 
in it."" So much was this great man affected with 
the art, and such a noble idea did he conceive of it, 
that he gave Caesar the preference to all mankind, 
only on account of that accomplishment ! 

Let critics say what they will, I will venture to 
affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is 
the most extraordinary : for all others are circum- 
scribed by certain bounds ; but this alone is found 
to have no limits, because to excel therein requires 
a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Pun- 
ner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities, 
and of the best accomplishments : his wit must be 
poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and 
distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful ; he 
must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far 
above all mean and low conceptions ; and these 
must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his 



ART OF PUNNIKG. 29 

ideas, with that grace and beauty, that strength and 
sweetness, which become sentiments so truly noble 
and sublime. 

And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing 
upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider 
how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this 
art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen 
farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before 
or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cra- 
tylus, " Jocos et Dii amant,' 1 the gods themselves 
love Punning? which I am apt to believe from 
Homers acr/3scrro^ ysXwz, unextinguished laughter ; 
because there is no other motive could cause such 
continued merriment among the gods, 

As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it 
to be very early among the Chaldeans ; which any 
one may see at large, who will read what he says 
upon the word FWT Pun, Vocula est Chaldaeis fami- 
liarissima, &c. " It is a word that is most fre- 
quently in use among the Chaldeans," who were 
first instructed in the methods of punning by their 
magi, and gained such reputation, that Ptolemaeus 
Philo-punnaeus sent for six of those learned priests, 
to propagate their doctrine of puns in six of his 
principal cities ; which they did with such success, 
that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a 



'30 PREFACE TO THE 

full collection of all the puns made within his do- 
minions for three years past ; and this collection 
filled one large apartment of his library, having 
this following remarkable inscription over the door : 

" The shop of the soul's physic *." 

Some authors, but upon what ground it is un- 
certain, will have Pan, who in the ^Eolic dialect is 
called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, they 
say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and 
Punning free of all languages, it is highly probable 
that it owes its first origin, as well as name, to this 
god : others again attribute it to Janus, and for 
this reason — Janus had two faces ; and of conse- 
quence they conjectured every word he spoke had 
a double meaning. But, however, I give little 
credit to these opinions, which I am apt to believe 
were broached in the dark and fabulous ages of the 
world ; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, 
there can be no great dependence upon profane 
history. 

* Vide Joseph. Bengor. Chronic, in Edit. Georg. Home- 
didse. Seriem Godoliae Tradit. Hebraic. Corpus Paradoseon 
Titulo Megill. c. i. § 8. Chronic. Samarit. Abulphetachi. 
Megillat. Taanit. 



ART OF PUNNING. 31 

I am much more inclined to give credit to Bux- 
torf ; nor is it improbable that Pythagoras, who 
spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, 
brought this art, together with some arcana of phi- 
losophy, into Greece ; the reason for which might 
be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual 
assistance to each other : " For," says he, " puns 
are like so many torch-lights in the head, that give 
the soul a very distinct view of those images, which 
she before seemed to grope after as if she had been 
imprisoned in a dungeon.' 1 From whence he looked 
upon puns to be so sacred, and had such a regard 
to them, that he left a precept to his disciples, for- 
bidding them to eat beans, because they were called 
in Greek iruvvoi. " Let not," says he, " one grain 
of the seeds be lost ; but preserve and scatter them 
over all Greece, that both our gardens and our 
fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on ac- 
count of its name, not only brings an honour to our 
country, but, as it disperses its effluvia in the air, 
may also, by a secret impulse, prepare the soul for 
punning, which I esteem the first and great felicity 
of life." 

, This art being so very well recommended by so 
great a man, it was not long before it spread 
through all Greece, and at last was looked upon to 



32 PREFACE TO THE 

be such a necessary accomplishment, that no person 
was admitted to a feast who was not first examined, 
and if he were found ignorant of punning, he was 
dismissed with 'Exa; srs, QeZyXoi, " Hence, ye pro- 
fane r 

If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let 
him consult the apophthegms of Plutarch, who, 
after he had passed several encomiums upon this 
art, gives some account of persons eminent in it ; 
among which (to shorten my preface) I choose one 
of the most illustrious examples, and will entertain 
the courteous reader with the following story : 
" King Philip had his collar-bone broken in a 
battle ; and his physician expecting money of him 
every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, 
saying he had the key in his own hands." For the 
word kXbsis, in the original, signifies both a key and 
a collaivbone *. 

We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes 
Laertius's " Lives of the Philosophers ;"" and those 
made by the wisest and gravest men among them, 
even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pre- 
tending to withstand the irresistible charms of pun- 
ning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer 

* Vide Plut. Apophth. p. 177. 



ART OF PUNNING. 33 

Yet, in spite of all his ill-nature and affectation (for 
he was a tub-preacher), he made so excellent a pun, 
that Scaliger said, " He would rather have been 
author of it, than king of Navarre." The story is 
as follows : Didymus (not Didymus the commen- 
tator upon Homer, but a famous rake among the 
ladies at Athens) having taken in hand to cure a 
virgin's eye that was sore, had this caution given 
him by Diogenes, " Take care you do not corrupt 
your pupil." The word no get signifies both the 
pupil of the eye and a virgin # . 

It would be endless to produce all the authorities 
that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, 
Herodotus, Proconosius, Bergaeus, Dionysius Hali- 
carnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Me- 
nander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, 
Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aris- 
totle, &c. ; from every one of which I should have 
produced some quotations, were it not that we are 
so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek 
types sufficient for such an undertaking -f- : for 

* See Laertius. 

f Though it is no uncommon thing for a country printer 
to be without Greek types, this could scarcely be a serious 
complaint at Dublin in 1719. 



34 PREFACE TO THE 

want of which, I have been put to the necessity, in 
the word xopa, of writing an alpha for an eta. 

However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring 
some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem 
the art of punning was among the most refined wits 
at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will 
appear from the following quotations. 

Quinctilian says *, " Urbanitas est virtus quaedam, 
in breve dictum, verum sensu duplici, coacta, et 
apta ad delectandos homines," &c. Thus trans- 
lated, " Punning is a virtue, comprised in a short 
expression, with a double meaning, and fitted to de- 
light the ladies." 

Lucretius also, 
Quo magis aeternum da dictis, Diva, leporem. 
" Goddess, eternal puns on me bestow." 

And elsewhere, 

Omnia enim lepidi magis admirantur, amantque 
Germanis quae sub verbis latitantia cernunt : 
Verbaque constituunt simili fucata sonore, 
Nee simili sensu, sed quae mentita placerent. 

" All men of mirth and sense admire and love 
Those words which like twin-brothers doubtful prove ; 

* Institut. Orator, lib. vi. p. 265. 



ART OF PUNNING. 35 

When the same sounds a different sense disguise, 
In being deceived the greatest pleasure lies." 

Thus Claudian : 
Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque jocosae, 
Vim duplicem rident, lacrymosaque gaudia miscent. 

" From word to word th' ambiguous sense is play'd ; 
Laughing succeeds, and joyful tears are shed." 

And Martial : 
Sit mihi, China, comes, salibus dictisque facetus, 
Qui sapit ambiguos fundere ab ore sonos. 

" Cinna, give me the man, when all is done, 
That wisely knows to crack a jest and pun." 

Petronius likewise will tell you, 

Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum, 
Ingenii facilis quae documenta dabunt. 

il Jokes, repartees, and laugh, and pun polite, 
Are the true test to prove a man is right." 

And Lucan : 
Illi est imperium risus, qui fraude leporis 
Ambigua fallens, humeros quatit usque solutis 
Nexibus, ac tremuli trepidant curvamina dorsi, 
Et jecur, et cordis fibras, et pandit anhelas 
Pulmonis latebras — 

" He's king of mirth, that slightly cheats our sense 
With pun ambiguous, pleasing in suspense ; 
The shoulders lax become, the bending back 
Upheaved with laughter, makes our ribs to crack ; 
E'en to the liver he can joys impart, 
And play upon the fibres of the heart ; 

D2 



3D PREFACE TO THE 

Open the chambers of tongues *, and there 
Give longer life in laughing, than in air." 

But to come nearer home, and our own times ; 
we know that France, in the late reign, was the 
seat of learning and policy ; and what made it so, 
but the great encouragement the king gave punners 
above any other men : for it is too notorious, to 
quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave 
a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made 
upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily 
growing out of his a — : 

" Habe mortem prae oculis. 
Abbe mort en prez au culiz." 

Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry 
de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the 
picture turned against himself), who drew his ma- 
jesty shooting, and at some distance from him an- 
other man aiming at the same fowl, who was with- 
held by a third person, pointing at the king, with 
these words from his mouth, 

" Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant ?" 

Having now, from the best authorities, plainly 
proved the antiquity and excellence of the art of 

* Potius lungs, as a Dutch commentator would observe. 



ART OF TUNNING. 37 

punning, nothing remains but to give some general 
directions as to the manner how this science is to 
be taught. 

1. Let the husband teach his wife to read it. 

% Let her be appointed to teach her children. 

3. Let the head servant of the family instruct all 
the rest, and that every morning before the master 
and mistress are up. 

4. The masters and misses are to repeat a rule 
every day, with the examples ; and every visiting- 
day be brought up, to show the company what fine 
memories they have. 

5. They must go ten times through the book, 
before they be allowed to aim at a pun. 

6. They must every day of their lives repeat 
six synonymous words, or words like in sound, 
before they be allowed to sit down to dinner, — 
such as 



Assent, Ascent. 
A Lass, Alas. 
Bark, Barque. 



Alter, Altar. 
A Peer, Appear. 
Barbery, Barberrie. 



They are all to be found in metre, most labo- 
riously compiled by the learned author of " The 
English School-master," printed anno 1641, I^ondon 
edit. p. 52. 



38 PREFACE TO THE 

7. If any eldest son has not a capacity to attain 
to this science, let him be disinherited as non- 
compos, and the estate given to the next hopeful 
child. 

Si quid novisti rectius istis, 

Candidus imperti : si non, his utere mecum *. 

" If any man can better rules impart, 

I'll give him leave to do't with all my heart!" 



PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE 
THAT WAS OMITTED, 

WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR 
DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES. 

There is a remarkable passage in Petronius 
Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, 
that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an 
entertainment agreeable. The words are these : 
" Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, 
Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem 

* Hor. Ep. I. i. 67. 



ART OF FUNNING. 



m 



toties iteratam vocem pertinere, non erubui eum 
qui supra me accumbebat hoc ipsum interrogare. 
At ille qui saspius ejusmodi ludos spectaverat, 
Vides, inquit, ilium qui obsonium carpit, Carpus 
vocatur. Itaque quotiescunque dicit Carpe, eodem 
verbo et vocat et imperat." And it is further re- 
markable, that every day of his life he made the 
same pun at dinner and supper. 




A SECOND PREFACE. 

Lest my modesty should be called in question, 
for venturing to appear in print, in an age so fa- 
mous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am 
bound to say this in my own defence, that these 
few sheets were not designed to be made public, as 
being written for my own private use : but what 
will not the importunity of friends conquer ? they 
were no sooner discovered in my study, but my 
merry friend George Roehfort, my learned ac- 
quaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured 
patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, 
that I should do my own reputation and the world 
that justice, as to send " such a treasure of know- 
ledge'" (as they were pleased to express themselves) 
to the press. As for the work itself, I may ven- 
ture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and 
entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I 
hope the candid reader will be favourable in his 
judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in 



A SECOND PREFACE. 41 

their infancy have been weak and feeble. The 
next age may supply where I have been defective ; 
and the next perhaps may produce a Sir Isaac in 
punning. We know that logicians first spun out 
reason in categories, predicaments, and enunciations ; 
and at last they came to wind up their bottoms 
in syllogisms, which is the completing of that 
science. 

The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which 
the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the 
sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into 
Greece, where they were improved very much by 
Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and (Enopides of Chios. 
These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippo- 
crates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art 
was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence 
as is conceived the word algebra took its rise), and 
was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, 
Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. 
Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c. 

But to return to the Art of Punning again ; the 
progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be 
equal to the sciences I have mentioned ; or to any 
superior to them, if there be such : reader, I must 
trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell 
you an old maxim, Bonum quo communing, eo me- 



42 A SECOND PREFACE. 



?, " Good, the more common, the better it is." 
You see, I have in imitation of the industrious bee 
gathered my honey from various flowers ; but yet 
I cannot sav, without some diminution and loss to 
the persons from whom I have taken the examples 
to my rules, who are likely never to use their puns 
again. 

And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, 
I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend 

Dr. R , who is singularly remarkable for his 

unparalleled skill in punning, and a most indus- 
trious promoter of it, has been a very great instru- 
ment in bringing this work to light, as well by ani- 
mating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to 
procure a good letter for the impression. 

The favourable acceptance that my puns have 
met with in some private companies, makes me 
flatter myself, that my labours therein will be can- 
didly accepted, as they have been cordially intended 
to serve my native country. 

Tom Pun-Sibi. 
From my Study, up one Pair of 
Stairs, ill-contrived Street- 
wards, August 9th, 1719- 



THE 



ART OF PUNNfif^f 



" Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, alio- 
rum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud 
referuntur." 

Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have 
a relation to- something else ; or, if they have not, 
any other reason why will serve as well. 

The Physical Definition of Punning, according to 
Cardan. 

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon 
words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling 
upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in 
those parts ; and this being conveyed by the animal 
spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles 
of the heart. 

The Moral Definition of Punning. 
Punning is a virtue that most effectually pro- 
motes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing, 



44f ART OF PUNNING. 

N. B. I design to make the most celebrated 
punners in these kingdoms examples to the following 
rules. 

Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must 
have a head for it ; that is, he must be a man of 
letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, what- 
ever men may think of his judgment ; like Dr. 
Swift*, who said, when a lady threw down a cre- 
mona-fiddle with a frisk of her mantua, 

" Mantua vae miserae nimium vicina Cremonae !" 

Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. 
Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. 
Vid. Popish Legend, torn, lxxviii. p. 15,000. 

R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have 

good assurance, like my Lord B , who puns in 

all companies. 

R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better 

assurance, like Brigadier C , who said, ' That, 

as he was passing through a street, he made to a 
country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick 
over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him 
whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig ?' whereas 
it is a notorious Oxford jest. 

* In the early editions of the tract, this admirable pun is 
ascribed to Dr. Delany. 



ART OF PUNNING. 45 

R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must 
have the best assurance, like Dr. D- , who, 
although I had in three fair combats worsted him, 
yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth 
time. 

R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's 
puns about half an hour after he has made them ; 
as Dr. E and Mr. F frequently do. 

I remember one day I was in company with 

them, and upon Major G saying, 6 That he 

would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made an- 
swer, and told the company, * I should be sorry to 
have such a leg as he? They both snapped it up 
in their turns, and had as much applause for the 
pun as I had. 

R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns 
made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so 
much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous 
punsters should contend for the superiority, and a 
man should wittily say, ' That is a Carthaginian 
war:' 

Q. How, sir ? 

A. Why, sir, it is a Pun-ick war. 

R. 7. The Socratic Rule is, to instruct others by 
way of question and answer. 

Q. Who was the first drawer ? 



46 ART OF PUNNING. 

A. Potiphar. 

Q. Which is the seat of the spleen ? 

A. The hips. 

Q. Who were the first bakers ? 

A. The Crustumenians. (Masters of the Rolls, 
quoth Capt. Wolseley). 

Q. Where did the first hermaphrodites come 
from ? 

A. Middle-sex. 

Q. What part of England has the most dogs ? 

A. BarJc-shire. 

Q. From whence come the first tumblers ? 

A. From Somerset, 

Q. Who were the first mortgagers of land? 

A. The people of Cumber-land. 

Q. What men in the world are the best soldiers ? 

A. Your red-haired men, because they alwavs 
carry their ^fire-locks upon their shoulders. 

Q. Why should a man in debt be called a 
diver ? 

A. Because he has dipped over head and ears. 

Q. Why are ladies of late years well qualified 
for hunting ? 

A. Because they come with a hoop and a hollow. 

Q. Why are the Presbyterians, Independents, 
&c. said to be vermin ? 



AST OF PUNNING, 47 

A. Because they are insects. 

Q. Where were the first breeches made ? 

A At Thy-atira. 

Q. Who were the first gold-finders ? 

A. The Turditani. 

Q. What part of the world is best to feed dogs 
in? 

A. Lap-land. 

Q. What prince in the world should have a boar 
for his arms ? 

A. The duke of Tusk-any. 

Q. Where do the best corn-cutters live ? 

A. At Leg-horn. 

Q. Why are horses with grease in their heels the 
best racers ? 

A. Because their heels are given to running. 

Q. What is the reason that rats and mice are so 
much afraid of base violins and fiddles ? 

A. Because they are strung with cat-gut. 

Q. If a lawyer is a whig, and pretends to be 
a tory, or vice versa, why should his gown be 
stripped off? 

A. Because he is guilty of sham-party. 

Q. How many animals are concerned in the for- 
mation of the English tongue ? 



48 ART OF PUNNING. 

A. According to Buck-anan, a great number; 
viz. cat-egorical, dog-matical, crow-nological, Jlea- 
botomy, Jish-ognomy, squirril-ity, rat-ification, 
mouse-olceum, pus-illanimity, hare-editary, ass-tro- 
nomy,jay-ography, stag-yrite, duck-tility. 

Q. Where were the first hams made ? 

A. They were made in the temple of Jupiter 
Hammon, by the Hamadryades ; one of them (if 
we may depend upon Baker's Chronicle) was sent as 
a present to a gentleman in Ham-sliire, of the fa- 
mily of the Ham-iltons, who immediately sent it to 
Harn-ton-court, where it was hung up by a string 
in the hall, by way of rarity, whence we have the 
English phrase ham-strung. 

Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, 
By questions useful since to all mankind ; 
For, when the purblind soul no farther saw, 
Than length of nose, into dark Nature's law, 
His method clear'd up all, enlarged the sight, 
And so he taught his pupils with day-light. 

R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the 
company be engaged in a discourse of the most 
serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to in- 
terrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them 
poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, 
without offence, ask them < How go squares with 



ART OF PUNNING. 49 

them ?' You may say too, 6 That, being too intent 
upon those figures, they are become cycloeid, i. e. 
sickly-eyed ; for which they are a pack of loga- 
rithms ', i. e. loggerheads? Vide R. 34. 

R. 9- The Rule of Risibility. A man must be 
the first that laughs at his own pun ; as Martial 
advises : 

" Qui studet alterius visum captare lepore, 
Imprimis rictum contrahat ipse suum" 

" He that would move another man to laughter, 
Must first begin, and t'other soon comes after." 

R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if 
a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most 
of them, in the same kind. As for instance : Sir 
W — — sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's 
scholars, and desired my advice as to the manage- 
ment of them : 

Miss-Chief, the ringleader. 

Miss-Advice, that spoils her face with paint. 

Miss-Rule, that does every thing she is forbid. 

Miss- Application, who has not done one letter in 
her sampler. 

Miss-Belief, who cannot say the Creed yet. 

Miss-Call, a perfect Billingsgate. 



50 ART OF PUNNING. 

Miss-Fortune, that lost her grandmother's 
needle. 

Miss-Chance, that broke her leg by romping. 

Miss-Guide, that led the young misses into the 
dirt. 

Miss-Lay'd, who left her porringer of flour and 
milk where the cat got at it. 

Miss-Management, that let all her stockings run 
out at heels for want of darning. 

For which I sent the following masters : 

Master-Stroke, to whip them. 

Master- Workman, to dress them. 

Master-Ship, to rig them. 

Master-Lye, to excuse them. 

Master- Wort, to purge them. 

Master-Piece, to patch them. 

Master- Key, to lock them up. 

Master-Pock, to mortify them. 

If these can't keep your ladies quiet, 
Pull down their courage with low diet, 
Perhaps, dear sir, you'll think it cruel 
To feed them on plain water-gruel ; 
But take my word, the best of breeding ! 
As it is plain, requires plain feeding. 

Vide Roscommon. 



AUT OF PUNNING. 51 

R. 11. The Rule of Repetition : You must 
never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment 
upon it till every one in the company both hears 
and understands it ; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine 
to give you ; excellent pontack, which I got ^pon 
tick ; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over 
it ; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam. 
— There is pun-talk upon pontack, and "*pon tick 
too, hey. 

R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your 
elements, whether you have fish, fowl) or fiesh, for 
dinner : As for instance, Is not this fish which Mr. 
Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet ? I think it is main 
good, what say you ? O 1 my sole, I never tasted 
better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any 
that swims : though you may carp at me for saying 
so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spratt and Dr. 
Whaley are of my mind. — This is an excellent 
fowl, and a fit dish for highflyers. Pray, sir, 
what is your o-pinion of this wing % As for the 
leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not 
roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why 
should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. 
Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not 
at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a 
grape-lover ; i. e. grey plover? Are you for any 

e2 



52 ART OF PUNNING. 

of this mutton, sir ? If not, I can tell you, that 
you ought to be lamb-asted; for you must know 
that I have the best in the country. My sheep 
bear away the bell, and I can assure you that, all 
weathers, I can treat my friends with as good 
mutton as this : he that cannot make a meal of it, 
ought to have it rarn-med down his throat. 

R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this 
you may recal a discourse that has been past two 
hours, and introduce it thus : 6 Sir, as you were 
saying two hours ago — you bought those stockings 
in Wales ; I believe it, for they seem to be well- 
chose, i. e. Welsh-hose.'' — ' Sir, you were saying, if 
I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers 
have the speediest justice. I agree with you in 
that ; for they are never without red-dress.'' 

R. 14. The Rule of Transition ; which will serve 
to introduce any thing that has the most remote 
relation to the subject you are upon ; ex. gr. If a 
man puns upon a stable, you may pun upon a corn- 
field, a meadow, a horse-park, a smith's or Sadler's 
shop ; ex. gr. One says, ' His horses are gone to 
rack? Then you answer, c I would turn out the 
rascal that looks after them. Hay, sir, don't you 
think I am right ? I would strike while the iron is 
hot; and pummel the dog to some purpose.' 



AKT OF PUNNING. 53 

R. 15. The Rule of Alienation ; which obliges 
you, when people are disputing hotly upon a sub- 
ject, to pitch upon that word which gives the 
greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. 
This has not only occasioned peace in private com- 
panies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in 
parliaments and convocations, which otherwise 
would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as 
Horace says, Ridiculum acri, &c. ; and very often it 

is found so. Sir once, in parliament, 

brought in a bill which wanted some amendment ; 
which being denied him by the house, he frequently 
repeated, c That he thirsted to mend his bill."* 
Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 
6 Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member 
thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to 
mend his draught.'' This put the house into such 
a good humour, that his petition was granted. 

R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons 
pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. 
Ay, says one, 6 I went to my shoe-maker's to-day 
for a pair of shoes which I bespoke a month ago ; 
and when all came to all, the dog bristles up to me 
with a thousand excuses, that I thought there 
would never be an end of his discourse : but, upon 
my calling him a rascal, he began to wax warm, 



54 ART OF PUNNING. 

and had the impudence to bid me to vamp off, for 
he had not leisure now to talk to me, because he 
was going to dinner : which vexed me indeed to the 
very sole. Upon this I jumped out of his shop in 
a great rage, and wished the next bit he eat might 
be his last.'' Says another, ' I went to a tanner's 
that owed me some money ; and (would you think 
it ?) the pitiful fellow was fleshed at it, insomuch 
that forsooth he could not hide his resentment, but 
told me, that it was enough to set a man horn mad 
to be dunned so early in a morning : and, as for 
his part, he would curry favour no longer with me, 
let me do my worst. Thus the unmannerly cur 
barked at me, &c.' > 

R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a 
man's saying which he never spoke, and making 
a pun upon it, as, 6 Ay, sir, [since you say he was 
born in Bark-shire, I say he is a son of a bitch? 

R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of in- 
troducing puns which we have studied before; 
ex. gr. By talking of Truelock the gun-smith, his 
very name will provoke some person in the company 
to pun. Then you proceed: ' Sir, / smell powder, 
but you are plaguy weak in your mainspring for 
punning ; I would advise you to get a better stock, 
before you pretend to let off: though you may 



ART OF PUNNING. 55 

think yourself prime in this art, you are much 
mistaken, for a very young beginner may be a 
match for you. Ay, sir, you may cock and look 
big; but, u-pan my word, I take you to be no 
more than a, flash; and Mrs. Skm-flint, my neigh- 
bour, shall pun with you for a pistole, if I do not 
lose my aim, &C.' 

* R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, 
when you have conned over in your mind a chain 
of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, 
after this manner : ' Say Tan-pit, if you dare.'' 

R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear 
a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author 
of it ; as Dr. S — served Capt. W — , who was told 
how a slater, working at his house, fell through all 
the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this 
accident he said, 'He loved to see a man go 
cleverly through his work? 6 That is mine, by 
,' said the Doctor. 

R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making 
a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody 
else can put in a word till you have exhausted the 
subject; ex, gr. There was one John Appleby, 
a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for 
her cherrycheeks and her lily white hand; and 
soon after he got her consent to graft upon her 



56 



ART OF PUNNING. 



stock. Mr. Link the parson was sent for, who 
joined the loving pair together; Mr. Rowintree 
and Mr. Holy-oak were bride-men. The company 
were, my lady Joan Keel, who came-a-mile on foot 
to compliment them ; and her maid Sally, re- 
markable for her carrots, that rid upon a chestnut. 
There was Dr. Burrage too, a constant medlar in 
other people's affairs. He was lately im-peaclid for 
murdering Don Quick-set. Mrs. Lettice Skirret 
and Mrs. Rose-merry were the bride-maids; the 
latter sang a song to oblige the company, which an 
arch wag called a funeral dirge : but, notwith- 
standing this, our friend John began to thrive upon 
matrimony like a twig in a bash. I forgot to tell 
you, that the tailor had so much cabbage out of the 
wedding suit, there was none at all for supper. 

R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a 
person makes an excellent pun, and you immedi- 
ately fix another upon it ; as Dean Swift one day 
said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob 
wig, * Sir, the dam of your wig is a whisker f upon 
which I came in very a propos, and said, ' Sir, 
that cannot be, for it is but an ear-wig.'' 

R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to 
bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it 
out : as, suppose you should hear a man say the 



ART OF PUNNING. 57 

word incomparable Then you proceed, in-com- 

incom-par-par-rable-rable So let the other 

make his best of it. 

R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a 
jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made 
a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was 
just coming out with it. One night, I remember, 

Mr. served Dr. so. The former saying 

over a bottle, c Will, I am for my mistress here. 1 
6 How so?"* says Tom. ' Why, I am for Wine-if- 
red? ' By this crooked stick *,' said Tom, s I was 
coming out with it."* 

R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man 
hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of 
a word : as for example, I am asked, 6 What is 
the best word to spend an evening with?'' I an- 
swered, 'Potatos; for there is po—pot—pota — 
potat — potato, and the reverse sot-a-top? 

R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man 
having got the thanks and laugh of a company for 
a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read 
it in " Cambridge Jests." This is such an in- 
version of it, that I think I may be allowed to make 
examples of these kind of people in verse : 

* Cane-a-ivry, i. e. Canary. 



58 ART OF PUNNING. 

Thus puppies, that adore the dark, 
Against bright Cynthia howl and bark ; 
Although the regent of the night, 
Like us, is gay with borrow'd light. 

R. 57. The Professional^ Rule * is, to frame a 
story, and swear you were present at an event 
where every man talked in his own calling ; ex. gr. 

Major swears he was present at the seizing of 

a pick-pocket by a great rabble in Smithfield ; and 
that he heard 

A Tailor say, ' Send the dog to helV 

The Cook, ' Let me be at him, I'll baste him."' 

The Joiner, ' It is plain the dog was caught in 
the fact ; I saw him. 1 

The Blacksmith, c He is a fine spark indeed V 
- The Butcher, « Knock down the shambling cur. 1 

The Glazier, 6 Make the light shine through 
him.'' 

The Bookseller, ' Bind him over. 1 

The Sadler, ' Pummel him. 1 

The Farmer, ' Thrash the dog. 1 

* An improvement on this rule was adopted by Dr. Swift, 
in his "Full and True Account of Wood's Procession to 
the Gallows." 



ART OF PUNNING. 59 

A Popish Priest going by, ' I'll make the Devil 
fly out of him.'' 

It. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster 
stands his ground against a whole company, though 
there is not one to side with him, to the utter de- 
struction of all conversation but his own. As for 
instance — says one, ' I hate a pun.'' — Then he, 
6 When a pun is meant, is it a punishment P — 
6 Deuce take your quibbling !' — ' Sir, I will not 
bate you an ace. cinque me if I do ; and I'll make 
you know that I am a sice above you.' — ( This 
fellow cannot talk out of his element.'' — s To divert 
you was all I meant.'' 

R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you sup- 
pose things hardly consistent to be united, for the 
sake of a pun : as for instance — suppose a person 
in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs 
upon every part of his face but the handle of it ; 
why should he make the longest verses in the 
world ? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs- 
and-dry-nose. 

R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that pun- 
ning is free of all languages : as for the Latin 
Romanos you may say ' Roman nose'— Temeraria, 
6 Tom, where are you ?' — Ooconia? prospectus, ' Pox 
on you, pray speak to us. For the French quelque 



60 AItT OF PUNNING. 

chose, you may say in English 6 kick shoes. 1 When 
one says of a thief, < I wish he was transported 5 1 
answer, * he is already fur enough." Dr. Swift 
made an excellent advantage of this rule one night : 
when a certain peevish gentleman in his company 
had lost his spectacles, he bid him ' have a good 
heart, for, if it continued raining all night, he would 
find them in the morning. 1 — ' Pray, how so T — 
6 Why, sir, 

e Nocte pluit tota, recleunt spectacula mane.' 

R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man 
speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some 
good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in 
it, then he is to say, ' You have hit it V As Major 
Grimes did : complaining that he staid at home by 
reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning 
to run, he was answered by Mr. — , 6 1 wonder that 
you should be confined who have such running legs. 1 
The Major replied, ' You have hit it ; for I meant 
that? 

R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak 
well of another punster ; ex. gr. ' Who, he ! Lord, 
sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo ;' or 
6 He does not know the meaning of synonymous 



ART OF PUNNING. 61 

words';' or, 4 He never rose so high as a conundrum 
or a carry whichit.' 

R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a 
man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out 
of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for 
your own : as for instance ; mustard happened to 
be mentioned in company where I was, and a gen- 
tleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at 
Mus — mus, sinapi— sinapi — snap eye — bite nose; 
—One in the company, over-hearing him, bit him, 
and snapped it up, and said, c Mustard is the stoutest 
seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by 
the nose? 

R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change 
one syllable for another ; by this, you may either 
lop off, insert, or add to a word ; ex. gr. 

For Church — Kirk. 

. . . Bangor — Clangor- 

. . . Presbyter — Has-biter. 
This rule is of such consequence, that a man was 
once tried for his life by it. The case was thus : 
A certain man was brought before a judge of assize 
for murder : his lordship asked his name, and being 
answered Spittman, the judge said, c Take away 
Sp, and his name is Ill-man ; put K to it, and it 
is Killman : away with him, gaoler ; his very name 



62 ART OF TUNNING. 

has hanged him*.'' This 34th rule, on this oc- 
casion, became a rule of court, and was so well 
liked, that a justice of peace, who shall be nameless, 
applied every tittle of it to a man brought to him 
upon the same account, after this manner : * Come, 
sir, I conjure you, as I am one of his majesty's 
justices of the peace, to tell me your name."' — ' My 
name, an't please you, is Watson.'* — ' O ho, sir ! 
Watson ! mighty well ! Take away Sp from it, and 
it is Ill-man, and put K to it, and it is Kill-man : 
away with him, constable, his very name will hang 
him: 

Let us now consider a new case ; as for instance, 
6 The church of England, as by law established .' 
Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take 
away the Test and put in o, and it is Abolished. 

How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious 
author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that 
very natural story which he framed concerning the 
preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation 



* A presbyterian preacher of the last age chose to exem- 
plify the Golden Rule, by dissecting the name of the great 
enemy of mankind : c Take away D, and it is Evil, take 
away the E, and it is Vile, take away the V, and it is III — 

III, Vile, Evil, Devil' 



ART OF PUNNING. 63 

called the minister an Hnmbassandor for an Am- 
bassador *. 

Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend 
to your perusal and practice this most excellent 



* The story here alluded to is told in a pamphlet, entitled, 
f A modest Apology for Parson Alberoni, Governor to King 
Philip, a Minor, and universal Curate of the whole Spanish 
Monarchy, &c. by Thomas Gordon, Esq. 1719/ and is as 
follows : ' There is, in a certain diocese in this nation, a 
living worth about six hundred pounds a-year. This, and 
two or three more preferments, maintain the doctor in be- 
coming ease and corpulency. He keeps a chariot in town, 
and a journeyman in the country ; his curate and his coach- 
horses are his equal drudges, saving that the four-legged 
cattle are better fed, and have sleeker cassocks, than his 
spiritual dray-horse. The doctor goes down once a-year, 
to shear his flock and fill his pockets, or, in other words, to 
receive the wages of his embassy ; and then, sometimes in 
an afternoon, if his belly do not happen to be too full, he 
vouchsafes to mount the pulpit, and to instruct his people in 
the greatness of his character and dullness. This composes 
the whole parish to rest ; but the doctor one day denouncing 
himself the Lord's Ambassador with greater fire and loudness 
than could have been reasonably expected from him, it roused 
a clown of the congregation, who waked his next neighbour 
with, ' Dost hear, Tom, dost hear?' — ' Ay,' says Tom, 
yawning, ' what does he say ?' — ' Say ?' answered the other, 
* he says a plaguy lie, to be sure ; he says as how he is my 
Lord's Huinbassandor, but I think he is more rather the 
Lord's Receiver-General, for he never comes but to take 
money.' Six hundred pounds a-year is, modestly speaking, 
a competent fee for lulling the largest congregation in 



64 ART OF PUNNING. 

rule, which is of such universal use and advantage 
to the learned world, that the most valuable disco- 
veries, both as to antiquities and etymologies, are 
made by it ; nay, further, I will venture to say, 
that all words which are introduced to enrich and 
make a language copious, beautiful, and harmo- 
nious, arise chiefly from this rule. Let any man 
but consult Bentley's Horace, and he will see what 
useful discoveries that very learned gentleman has 
made by the help of this rule ; or, indeed, poor 
Horace would have lain under the eternal reproach 
of making ' &fox eat oats,' had not the learned 
doctor, with great judgment and penetration, found 
out nitedula to be a blunder of the librarians for 
vulpecula ; which nitedula, the doctor says, signifies 
a grass-mouse, and this clears up the whole matter, 
because it makes the story hang well together : for 
all the world knows, that weazles have a most 
tender regard and affection to grass mice, whereas 
they hate foxes as they do fire-brands. In short, 
all various lections are to be attributed to this rule : 
so are all the Greek dialects ; or Homer would 

England asleep once in a twelvemonth. Such tithes are the 
price of napping ; and such mighty odds are there between 
a curtain lecture and a cushion lecture.' See the collection 
of Tracts by Gordon and Trenchard, vol. i. p. 130. 



ART OF PUNNING. 65 

have wanted the sonorous beauty of his oio's. But 
the greatest and best masters of this rule, without 
dispute, were the Dorians, who made nothing of 
saying tin for soie, tenos for ekeinos 9 surisdomes for 
surizomen, &c. From this too we have our quasis 
in Lexicons. Was it not, by rule the 34th, that 
the Samaritan, Chaldee, iEthiopic, Syriac, Arabic, 
and Persian languages were formed from the ori- 
ginal Hebrew ? for which I appeal to the Polyglot. 
And among our modern languages, are not the 
Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, and French, derived 
and formed from the Latin by the same power? 
How much poets have been obliged to it, we need 
no further proof than the figures prothesis, epen- 
thesis, apocope, paragoge, and ellipsis. Trimming 
and fitting of words to make them more agreeable 
to our ears, Dionysius Halicarnassensis has taken 
notice of, in his book ( De Compositione Vocum, 1 
where he pleasantly compares your polite reformers 
of words to masons with hammers, who break off 
rugged corners of stones, that they may become 
more even and firm in their places. 

But after all, give me leave to lament, that I 
cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor 
of this incomparable rule : though I solemnly pro- 
test, upon the word of an author (if an author may 

F 



66 ART OF PUNNING. 

have credit), that I never had the least hint toward 
it, any more than the ladies' letters and young 
children's pronunciation, till a year after I had 
proposed this rule to Dr. , who was an excel- 
lent judge of the advantage it might be to the 
public; when, to my great surprise, tumbling over 
the third tome of Alstedius, p. 71, right loth to be- 
lieve my eyes, I met with the following passage : 
" Ambigua multam faciunt ad hanc rem, cujusmodi 
exempla plurima reperiunturapud Plautum, qui in 
ambiguis crebro ludit. Joci captantur ex permu- 
tatione syllabarum et vocum, ut pro D^cretum, 
Discretum ; pro Medicus, Mendicus et Merdicus : 
pro Poly carp us, P oly cop ros. Item ex syllabarum 
ellipsi, ut ait Althusisus, cap. iii. civil, convers. pro 
Casimirus, J'rus ; pro Marcus, Arcus ; pro Vinosus, 
Osus ; pro Sacerdotium, Otium. Sic, additione li- 
teral, pro Urbanus, Turbanus :" which exactly 
corresponded to every branch and circumstance of 
my rule. Then, indeed, I could not avoid breaking- 
out into the following exclamations, and that after 
a most pathetic manner : " Wretched Tom Pun- 
Sibi ! Wretched indeed ! Are all thy nocturnal 
lucubrations come to this ? Must another, for being 
a hundred years before thee in the world, run away 
with the glory of thy own invention ? It is true, he 



ART OF PUNNING. 67 

must. Happy Alstedius ! who, I thought, would 
have stood me in all-stead, upon consulting thy 
method of joking ! All's tedious to me now, since 
thou hast robbed me of that honour which would 
have set me above all writers of the present age. 
And why not, happy Tom Pun-Sibi ? did we not 
jump together like true wits ? But, alas ! thou art 
on the safest side of the bush ; my credit being 
liable to the suspicion of the world, because you 
wrote before me. Ill-natured critics, in spite of all 
my protestations, will condemn me, right or wrong, 
for a plagiary. Henceforward never write any thing 
of thy own ; but pillage and trespass upon all that 
ever wrote before thee : search among dust and 
moths for things new to the learned. Farewell, 
study ; from this moment I abandon thee : for, 
wherever I can get a paragraph upon any subject 
whatsoever ready done to my hand, my head shall 
have no further trouble than see it fairly transcribed I' 1 
— And this method, I hope, will help me to swell 
out the Second Part of this work. 



THE END OF THE FIRST PART. 



F 2 



TOM PUN-SIBI; 

OR, 

THE GIBER GIB'D*. 



Mirandi novitate movebere most?*i. — Ovid. 



Tom was a little merry grig, 
Fiddled and danced to his own jig ; 
Good-natured, but a little silly ; 
Irresolute, and shally-shilly : 
What he should do, he couldn't guess. 
Swift used him like a man at chess ; 



* The Art of Punning was originally printed at Dublin 
in 1719, immediately reprinted in London, and then pretty 
generally ascribed to Dr. Swift. It appears, however, that 
in this instance the Dean was only an assistant ; the piece 
having been written by Dr. Sheridan, and corrected and im- 
proved by Dr. Swift, Dr. Delany, and Mr. Rochfort. Al- 
though it does not seem calculated to give offence to any one, 
it however called forth the above Satire from the pen of 
Dr. Tisdal. 



TOM PUN-SIBI, ETC. 69 

He told him once that he had wit, 
But was in jest, and Tom was bit. 
Thought himself second son of Phcebus, 
For ballad, pun, lampoon, and rebus. 
He took a draught of Helicon, 
But swallowed so much water down, 
He got a dropsy ; now they say, 'tis 
Turn'd to poetic diabetes ; 
For all the liquor he has pass'd, 
Is without spirit, salt, or taste : 
But, since it pass'd, Tom thought it wit, 
And so he writ, and writ, and writ : 
He writ the famous Punning Art, 
The Benefit of p — s and f — t ; 
He writ the Wonder of all Wonders ; 
He writ the Blunder of all Blunders ; 
He writ a merry farce or poppet, 
Taught actors how to squeak and hop it ; 
A treatise on the Wooden-man % 
A ballad on the nose of Dan ; 
The art of making April fools, 
The four-and-thirty quibbling rules. 
The learned say, that Tom went snacks 
With Philomaths, for almanacks ; 

* The wooden-man was a famed door-post in Dublin. 



70 TOM PUN-SIBI ; 

Though they divided are, for some say, 
He writ for Whaley, some for Cumpstey *. 
Hundreds there are, who will make oath, 
That he writ almanacks for both ; 
And, though they made the calculations, 
Tom writ the monthly observations ! 

Such were his writings, but his chatter 
Was one continual clitter-clatter. 
Swift slit his tongue, and made it talk, 
Cry, ' Cup o' sack,' and * Walk, knave, walk V 
And fitted little prating Pall 
For wire-cage, in Common-Hall ; 
Made him expert at quibble-jargon, 
And quaint at selling of a bargain. 
Pall, he could talk in different linguos, 
But he could not be taught distinguos : 
Swift tried in vain, and angry thereat, 
Into a spaniel turn'd the parrot ; 
Made him to walk on his hind-legs, 
He dances, fawns, and paws, and begs ; 
Then cuts a caper o'er a stick -[-, 
Lies close, does whine, and creep, and lick : 
Swift put a bit upon his snout, 
Poor Tom ! he daren't look about ; 

* Famous Irish almanack makers. 

t This was literally true between Swift and Sheridan. 



tSB'S-^^ 




OH, THE GIBER GIB'd. 71 

But when that Swift does give the word, 

He snaps it up, though 'twere a t — . 

Swift strokes his back, and gives him victual, 

And then he makes him lick his spittle. 

Sometimes he takes him on his lap, 

And makes him grin, and snarl, and snap. 

He sets the little cur at me ; 

Kick'd, he leapt upon his knee ; 

I took him by the neck to shake him, 

And made him void his album Gr cecum. 

' Turn out the stinking cur, pox take him !' 

Quoth Swift : though Swift could sooner want any 

Thing in the world, than a Tanta-ny, 

And thus not only makes his grig 

A parrot, spaniel, but his pig. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 

The Second Part of this Work will be published 
with all convenient expedition : to which will be 
added, A small Treatise of Conundrums, Carri- 
whichits, and Long-petites ; together with the 
Winter-fire's Diversion ; The Art of making 
Rebuses ; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats 
proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and 
Delbora, &c. &c. &c. 



PUNNING LETTER 



EARL OF PEMBROKE, 

PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE, 
WHOSE BROTHER, THE REVEREND DILLON A.SHE, WAS 
NICK-NAMED DILLY. 

Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he 
was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant's favour ^ 
that it struck him into a fever. I here send you 
his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a 
friend in short-hand. It is something long, and 
a little incoherent ; but he was several hours de- 
livering it, and with several intervals. His friends 
were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus : 

My Friends, 

It is time for a man to look grave, when he has 

one foot there. I once had only a punnic fear of 

death ; but of late I have pundred it more seriously. 

Every fit of coughing hath put me in mind of my 



THE DYING SPEECH, ETC. 73 

coffin ; though dissolute men seldomest think of dis- 
solution. This is a very great alteration : I, that 
supported myself with good wine, must now be 
myself supported by a small bier. A fortune-teller 
once looked on my hand, and said, ' This man is 
to be a great traveller ; he will soon be at the Diet 
of Worms, and from thence go to Ratisbone.' But 
now I understand his double meaning. I desire to 
be privately buried, for I think a public funeral 
looks like Bury fair ; and the rites of the dead too 
often prove wrong to the living. Methinks the 
word itself best expresses the number, neither Jew 
nor all. A dying man should not think of obsequies, 
but ob se quies. Little did I think you would so 
soon see poor Tom stown under a tomb stone. But 
as the mole crumbles the mould about her, so a man 
of small mould, before I am old, may moulder away. 
Sometimes Fve ravd that I should revive-, but 
physicians tell me, that, when once the great artery 
has drawn the heart awry, we shall find the cor di 
all, in spite of all the highest cordial. Brother, 
you are fond of Daffy's elixir ; but, when death 
comes, the world will see that, in spite of Daffy 
down Dilly, whatever doctors may design by their 
medicines, a man in a dropsy drops he not, in spite 
of Goddard's drops, though none are reckoned such 



74 THE DYING SPEECH 

high drops ? — I find death smells the blood of an 
Englishman : a fee faintly fumhledi out will be a 
weak defence against \\\§fee-fa-fum. — P. T. are no 
letters in death's alphabet ; he has not half a bit of 
either : he moves his scythe, but will not be moved 
by all our sighs. Every thing ought to put us in 
mind of death. Physicians affirm, that our very 
food breeds it in us ; so that in our dieting, we may 
be said to di eating. There is something ominous, 
not only in the names of diseases, as cfc-arrhcea, di- 
abetes, c?i-sentery, but even in the drugs designed 
to preserve our lives ; as di-acodium, e?/-apente, di- 
ascordium. I perceive Dr. Howard (and I feel 
hozo hard) lay thumb on my pulse, then pulls it 
back, as if he saw lethum in my face. I see as bad 
in his ; for sure there is no physic like a sick phiz. 
He thinks I shall decease before the day cease; 
but, before I die, before the bell hath tolVd, and 
Tom Tollman is told that little Tom, though not 
old, has paid nature's toll, I do desire to give some 
advice to those that survive me. First, let game- 
sters consider that death is hazard and passage, 
upon the turn of a die. Let lawyers consider it 
as a hard case. And let punners consider how 
hard it is to die jesting, when death is so hard in 
digesting. 



OF TOM ASHE. 75 

As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of Mun- 
gomerry, I am sure he be-wales my misfortune; 
and it would move him to stand by, when the car- 
penter (while my friends grieve and make an odd 
splutter) nails up my coffin. I will make a short 
affidavi-t, that, if he makes my epitaph, I will take 
it for a great honour ; and it is a plentiful subject. 
His excellency may say, that the art of punning is 
dead with Tom. Tom has taken all puns away 
with him, Omne tu lit pun-Tom. — —May his ex- 
cellency long live tenant to the queen in Ireland. 
We never Herberd so good a governor before. 
Sure he mun-go-merry home, that has made a king- 
dom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish 
a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have 
let many a pun go, which did never pungo ; there- 
fore the world must read the bad as well as the 
good. Virgil has long foretold it : Punica mala 

leges. 1 have had several forebodings that I 

should soon die : I have of late been often at com- 
mittees, where I have sat de die in diem. 1 con- 
versed much with the usher of the black rod : I saw 
his medals ; and woe is me dull soul, not to con- 
sider they are but dead men's faees stampt over 
and over by the living, which will shortly be my 
condition. 



76 THE DYING SPEECH, &C. 

Tell Sir Anthony Fountain, I ran clear to the 
bottom, and wish he may be a late a river where I 
am going. He used to brook compliments. May 
his sand be long a running; not quick sand like 
mine ! Bid him avoid poring upon monuments and 
books ; which is in reality but running among 
rocks and shelves, to stop his course. May his 
waters never be troubled with mud or gravel, nor 
stopt by any grinding stone I May his friends be 
all true t routs, and his enemies laid as flat as 
flounders! I look upon him as the most fluent of 
his race; therefore let him not despond, I foresee 
his black rod will advance to a pike, and destroy 
all our ills. 

But I am going ; my wit id in lungs is turning 
to a winding sheet. The thoughts of a pall begin 
to a pall me. Life is but a vapour, car elle wa 
jtfewr la moindre cause. Farewell : I have lived 
ad amicorum fastidhm, and now behold how fast I 
dium ! 

Here his breath failed him, and he expired. 
There are some false spellings here and there ; but 
they must be pardoned in a dying man. 



1 



LETTER 

GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF 

A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR, 

Sir, 
You must give me leave to complain of a pesti- 
lent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always 
beating mortar; yet I cannot find he ever builds. 
In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want 
a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not 
gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses 
where he visits. He makes his prentice his gaily 
slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet 
he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring 
his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their 
leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal 
of mischief. He is full of scruples; and so very 
litigious, that he files bills against all his ac- 
quaintance : and, though he be much troubled 
with the simples, yet I assure you he is a Jesuitical 
dog ; as you may know by his bark. Of all poetry 
he loves the dram-a-tick, I am, &c. 



PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY. 

Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather, 

Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her 
servants; they put shillings into her broth instead 
of groats, which made her stamp. I hear they 
had them from one Tom Ducket, sl tenant to Major 
Noble, who I am told is reduced to nine-pence. 
We are doubting whether we shall dine at the 
Crown or the Angel. Honest Mark Cob, who has 
been much nioydored of late, will dine with us, but 
'Squire Many penny and Captain Sterling desire to 
be excused, for they are engaged with Ned Silver 
to dine in Change-alley. They live in great har- 
mony ; they met altogether last week, and sate as 
loving as horses in a pound. I suppose you have 
heard of the rhino-ceros lately arrived here. A 
captain was cash-iered on Wednesday. A sca- 
venger abused me this morning, but I made him 
down with his dust, which indeed was a far -thing 
from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a pi-stole 



god's revenge, &c. 79 

from her ; I would a' ginnife a good deal for such 
another. Mrs. Dingley has made a souse for your 
collard-eel. Alderman Coyn presents his service 
to you. I have nothing but half -pens to write 
with, so that you must excuse this scrawl. One of 
my seals fell into a chink. I am, without alloy, 
Your most obedient, 

TOM MITE. 
P. S. Mr. Cole presents his service to you, of 
which I am a-tester. 



GOD'S REVENGE AGAINST PUNNING, 

BY DR. ARBUTHNOT; 

SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED 
TO THIS CRYING SIN IN COURT AND TOWN. 

Manifold havebeen the judgments which Heaven, 
from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful 
people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when 
the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the 
punishment should be general: Of this kind, in 
our own unfortunate country, was that destructive 
pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep 



— 



80 god's revenge 

away, if Sir William Petty may be believed, five 
millions of Christian souls, besides women and 
Jews. 

Such also was that dreadful conflagration en- 
suing, in this famous metropolis of London, which 
consumed, according to the computation of Sir 
Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention 
churches and stables. 

Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these 
funest disasters, when the abomination of play- 
houses rose up in this land: from hence hath an 
inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and 
overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured 
the walls of holy temples with exorbitant represen- 
tations of the members of generation : nay, no 
sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wick- 
edness enough to write the names thereof in large 
capitals : an enormity observed by travellers to be 
found in no country but England. 

But when whoring and popery were driven hence 
by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly 
offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whis- 
tonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a 
manner become universal. 

And yet still, after all these visitations, it has 
pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more 



AGAINST PUNNING. 81 

epidemical, and of consequence more fatal: this 
was foretold to us, first, by that unparalleled 
eclipse in 1714 ; secondly, by the dreadful corus- 
cation in the air this present year; and, thirdly, 
by the nine comets seen at once over Soho-square, 
by Mrs. Katherine Wadlington, and others : a 
contagion that first crept in among the first quality, 
descended to their footmen, and infused itself into 
their ladies — I mean the woeful practice of PUN- 
NING. This does occasion the corruption of our 
language, and therein of the word of God trans- 
lated into our language, which certainly every 
sober Christian must tremble at. 

Now such is the enormity of this abomination, 
that our very nobles not only commit punning over 
tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, 
and in the king's chapel : therefore, to deter men 
from this evil practice, I shall give some true and 
dreadful examples of God's revenge against pun- 
sters. 

The Right Honourable ■ (but it is not 

safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in 
this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one 
has been seen ,- which is all we can say, considering 
the largeness of his sleeves) — This young nobleman 
was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was 



82 GOD S REVENGE 

accessary to the punning of others, by consent, by 
provocation, by connivance, and by defence of the 
evil committed ; for which the Lord mercifully 
spared his neck, but as a mark of reprobation 
nsoryed his nose. 

Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty 
of the same crime, was made the punisher of him- 
self with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at 
box and dice ; whereby this unfortunate young 
gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his 
aged grandmother. 

A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the 
same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a 
Dalilah, who may one day cut off his curious hair, 
and deliver him up to the Philistines. 

Colonel F , an ancient gentleman of 

grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in 
his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to 
speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be 
understood. 

Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, 
banished to Minorca. 

Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer 
in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury- 
Fort. 

Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of 



AGAINST PUNNING. 83 

the King's English in Ireland, is quite deprived of 
his reason, and now remains a lively instance of 
emptiness and vivacity. 

Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, de- 
prived of his wits. 

One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward at- 
tempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath 
been visited all his life after with bulls and 
blunders. 

George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in 
Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it 
with so much success, that his neighbours gave 
out he was a wit. Which report coming among 
his creditors, nobody would trust him ; so that he 
is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable 
condition. 

Divers eminent clergymen of the university of 
Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, be- 
came great drunkards and Tories. 

From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy 
defend us all, &c. &c. 



g2 



THE BIRTH OF A PUN *. 

When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, 
From the garden of Eden were driven ; 
They put up a prayer to king Joe in his chair, 
That a boon he would grant them from heaven. 
'Twas in vain that old Jove 'gainst their petition 

strove, 
Madame Juno determined to grapple 
His arguments keen ; said the thunderer's queen, 
" Where's the sin, pray, of stealing an apple ? 
" Send Momus, I beg, let him carry an egg 
" To earth's now disconsolate son ; 
" And bid Mistress Eve, that no longer she grieve, 
" For the gods have enclosed them a Pun" 
Now downward the sprite on the earth did alight, 
And cracking the shell on the floor, 
Gave birth to a Pun, full of humour and fun, 
And sadness they never knew more. 

* ANTIQUITY OF PUNS AND ENIGMAS, 

By the learned Author of Hermes. 

On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes 
and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and 
extracts : 



ANTIQUITY OF PUNS. 85 

A Pun seldom regards meaning, being chiefly confined 

to SOUND. 

Horace gives a sad example of this spurious wit, where 
(as Dry den humorously translates it) he makes Persius the 
buffoon exhort the patriot Brutus to kill Mr. King, that is, 
Rupilius Rex, because Brutus, when he slew Caesar, had 
been accustomed to king-killing. 

Hunc Re gem occide ; operum 
Hoc mihi crede tuorum est. 

We have a worse attempt in Homer, where Ulysses makes 
Polypheme believe his name was 0TT12, and where the dull 
Cyclops, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his 
brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done 
by 0TT12, that is, by nobody. 

Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved 
either in pun or metaphor, or sometimes in both. 

'Ay$p' s\£ov t<7i/pl •)(aXxov Itt' aVpt KoXkria-aVTa. 

I saw a man, who, unprovoked with ire, 
Stuck brass upon another's back by fire. 

This Enigma is ingenious, and means the operation of 
cupping, performed in ancient days by a machine of brass. 

In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good meta- 
phor and good writing, a perplexity is caused, not by accident, 
but by design, and the pleasure lies in the being able to 
resolve it. 



THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR 
PUNNING ON NAMES. 

The English are noted for punning on peopled 
names, in allusion to their talent or profession.— 
Grimaldi was called, from his " grim faces," Grim- 
all-day; Macready, from his quick study, " Make 
ready;" Young, from his youthful appearance, 
" the young actor ;* Kean, from his new readings, 
" the keen actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful 
voice, " Mr. Sing clear;" Miss Tree, the lovely 
vocalist, " the Mystery" &c. &c. &c. : innumerable 
are the instances in the political world, but quant, 
siiff. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the 
present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, 
the stockbroker's name ; he was then at the head 
of one of the most respectable tea-dealing esta- 
blishments in London. His friends sunk his Chris- 
tian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely 
called him Mr. Tea Bish: perhaps the joke was 
borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the 
tea-dealer, viz. 

" How curiously names with professions agree, 

For Twining would be wining, dispossessed of his T. 

But we shall favour the reader with a few of the 
best modern examples. 



OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 

Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, 

(You all may from history worm it :) 
There was Lewis the Bulky, and Henry the Great, 

John Lackland, and Peter the Hermit. 
But now, when the door-plates of misters and 
dames 

Are read, each so constantly varies 
From the owner's trade, figure, and calling, sur- 
names 

Seem given by the rule of contraries. 

Mr. Fox, though provoked, never doubles his 
fist, 

Mr. Burns in his grate has no fuel, 
Mr. Playfair won't catch me at hazard or whist, 

Mr. Coward was wing'd in a duel. 
Mr. Wise is a dunce, Mr. King is a Whig, 

Mr. Coffin's uncommonly sprightly, 
And huge Mr. Little broke down in a gig 

While driving fat Mrs. Golightly. 



88 PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 

Mrs. Drinkwater's apt to indulge in a dram, 

Mrs. Angel's an absolute fury, 
And meek Mr. Lyon let fierce Mr. Lamb 

Tweak his nose in the lobby of Drury. 
At Bath, where the feeble go more than the stout, 

(A conduct well worthy of Nero,) 
Over poor Mr. Lightfoot, confined with the gout, 

Mr. Heaviside danced a Bolero. 



Miss Joy, wretched maid, when she chose Mr. 
Love, 

Found nothing but sorrow await her : 
She now holds in wedlock, as true as a dove, 

That fondest of mates, Mr. Hayter. 
Mr. Oldcastle dwells in a modern-built hut, 

Miss Sage is of madcaps the archest ; 
Of all the queer bachelors Cupid e'er cut, 

Old Mr. Younghusband's the starchest. 



Mr. Child, in a passion, knock'd down Mr. Rock, 
Mr. Stone like an aspen-leaf shivers, 

Miss Poole used to dance, but she stands like a 
stock 
Ever since she became Mrs. Rivers. 



PUNNING ON SURNAMES. 89 

Mr. Swift hobbles onward, no mortal knows how, 
He moves as though cords had entwined him ; 

Mr. Metcalfe ran off, upon meeting a cow, 
With pale Mr. Turnbull behind him. 

Mr. Barker's as mute as a fish in the sea, 

Mr. Miles never moves on a journey, 
Mr. Gotobed sits up till half-after-three, 

Mr. Makepiece was bred an attorney. 
Mr. Gardner can't tell a flower from a root, 

Mr. Wilde with timidity draws back ; 
Mr. Ryder performs all his journeys on foot, 

Mr. Foote all his journeys on horseback. 

Mr. Penny > whose father was rolling in wealth, 

Kick'd down all the fortune his dad won, 
Large Mr. Le Fever 's the picture of health, 

Mr. Goodenough is but a bad one. 
Mr. Cruickshank stept into three thousand a-year 

By showing his leg to an heiress :— 
Now I hope you'll acknowledge I've made it quite 
clear 

Surnames ever go by contraries. 

New Monthly Magazine. 



AN EPITAPH, 



PUNNING RUN MAD. 



Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the 

Sun, 
He never had an ail, unless when all his ale was 

done : 
The Sun was on the sign, tho 1 what sign his sun 

was on, 
No studier of the Zodiac could ever hit upon. 
Some said it was Aquarius, so queerious he'd get ; 
But he declared no soda-hack should ever share his 

whet. 
His burnish'd sun was sol-o, soul-heart'ning was 

his cheer, 
And quaffing of good porter long kept him from 

his bier. 
As draughtsman he'd no equal, his drawings were 

so good, 
And many a noble draught has he taken from the 

wood, — 



PUNNING RUN MAD. 91 

Rare spirited productions, with tasty views near 

Cork; 
And then he had a score or two rum characters in 

chalk. 
Above the mantel-taillee his tally it was naiPd, 
And though he had lost one eyesight, his hop-ticks 

never faiFd. 
Good ale and cider sold here, oft made the soldier 

halt, 
And sailor Jack, his sail aback, would hoist aboard 

his malt ; 
Most cordially he'd pour out a cordial for the fair, 
Whose peeper meant to ogle the peppermint so rare ; 
While buxom Jean would toss off the juniper so gay, 
And swear it was both sweet and nice as any shrub 

in May. 
At last John took to drinking, and drank till drunk 

with drink ; 
His stuffing he would stuff in till stuff began to 

shrink ; 
Tho 1 mistress shook her hand high, he suck'd the 

sugar-candy, 
And often closed his brand eye by tippling of the 

brandy. 
His servants always firking, his firkins ran so fast, 
And staggering round his bar-rails, his barrels 

breathed their last ; 



\)X PUNNING HUN MAD. 

And when he treated all handshisHollandsva,na.w&y, 
Nor reap'd he fruit from any seed for aniseed to pay. 
And though he drank the bitters, his bitters still 

increas'd, 
He puff 'd the more parfait au cceur till all his efforts 

ceas'd. 
The storm, alas ! was brewing, the brewer drew his 

till, 
And Mrs. Figg, for "bacca, to back her brought her 

bill. 
Distillers stilFd his spirits, but couldn't still his mind; 
He told the bailiff he would try a bail if he could 

find; 
But fumbling round the tap-room, Death tapp'd 

him on the head, 
So here he lies quite flat and stale, because, d'ye 

see, he's dead. 

Literary Gazette. 








BENJAMIN BASHFUL 

ON 

THE VICE OF PUNNING. 



THE PUNSTER S FOE. 

Who's he, that from our board is running ? 
He, Sir's an enemy to punning, 
A bashful foe, who loves not wit — 
Ergo, because he's none of it 
Within his cranium ; and at table 
Sits like the fox in JEsop's fable, 
Watching the grapes he 'd fain devour, 
And disappointed, calls them sour. 
A laugh would decompose his metal, 
And like a dog, with a tin kettle 
Dangling at his tail, he runs 
From witty wags who deal in puns. 



TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. 

Sir, 
It has just been communicated to me, that you 
are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket- 



94 ON THE VICE OF PUNNING. 

Book, for the express purpose of promoting that 
pernicious vice, which is already much too pre- 
valent. As an antidote to the evil, I hope you 
will not fail to insert this my special protest. 

B. BASHFUL. 

I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, 
to use the phrase of the mode, have just come out, 
and made my entre into the world with the repu- 
tation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could 
wish you to notice a minor evil in society which 
tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, 
by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing 
back th^ reflective, speaker. I allude to the -vice 
of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit 
and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the 
greatest degree, the young and inexperienced. 

It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable 
dilettanti, each of them capable of sustaining a part 
in rational discourse, and of conducting the intel- 
lectual conflict with some share of vigour and 
learning ; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter 
away time, patience, and attention, with a series of 
unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of 
the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid crea- 
tions of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation 



ON THE VICE OF PUNNING. 95 

presents a motley intermixture of shreds of wit and 
patches of conceit, a chequer-work of incongruities, 
the very orts and scraps of the " Feast of Reason," 
the dozings of science, and dregs of literature. If 
I relate to this group of punsters the most affecting 
circumstance, I am heard with impatience and in- 
attention, till I chance unwittingly to utter a word 
susceptible of a double or triple interpretation. 
The mischievous spark of folly immediately ignites, 
the moral interest of my tale is undermined, and a 
loud report of laughter announces the explosion. 
The genius of orthography frowns in vain : puns 
are, by the law of custom, entitled to claim en- 
trance into the sensorium either by the eye or the 
ear : but when a pseudo pun (" for indeed there 
are counterfeits abroad") is perceptible to neither 
sense — when read, its wit is not discoverable ; and 
when heard, it cannot be understood : to avoid the 
horror of an explanation, I find myself obliged to 
perjure my senses by laughing in ignorance and 
very sadness, and thus contribute a sanction to the 
practice I would fain abolish. The evil is sub- 
versive of the first principle of society. Is it little 
to hunger for the bread of wisdom, and to be fed 
with the husks of folly ? Is it little to thirst for 



96 



ON THE VICE OF TUNNING. 



the Castalian fount, and see its waters idly wasted 
in sport or malice ? Is it little to seek for the in- 
terchange of souls, and find only the reciprocity of 



nonsense r 



P. S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. 

To which complaint, I add this note 
And sketch, by way of antidote, 
The glorious art can life enhance, 
A Pun will cause a Bear to dance, 
And as we here have proof, — provoke 
A bashful man to stand a joke. 




EXAMPLES IN PUNNING, 



ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT 
PERSONS. 



THE PUNSTER S BOWL. 



The sovereign medicine of life, 

The antidote to care and strife — 

Is friendship, and the cheerful bowl, 

When humour meets a kindred soul: 

Then flows the epigram, and pun, 

From starry eve, to morning's sun ; 

And Laughter, " holding both his sides," 

The rubs and jeers of life derides. 

Then honest hearts, elate with glee, 

Forget the world, and black ennui; 

For nought like punch, and puns, can drown, 

The supercilious rich man's frown, 

Or free the heart, a prey to care, 

From fortune's ills and fell despair. 

Bernard Blackmantle. 



H 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men." 

Addison, Spectator, No. 61. 



ROYAL PUNS. 

RIGHT DIVINE. 

Among the few highly favoured individuals 1 who 
were included in the select evening parties of his 
present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at 
the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend 
J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested 
to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention 
he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke 
dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D. D. 
on which the reverend jocularly observed, " The 
king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, 
" Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I 
have 6 Wright Divine 1 on my side." 

COOKE AND KITCHEN. 

Sir George C, better known as Col. C, was said 
to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. 
When the king was told of it, he said, " It was 

h2 



100 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

very natural that a Cooke should be fond of Kitchen 
stuff, but if he meddles with the Coles he will get 
out of the frying-pan into the fire." The Coles 
were cousins to the lady. 

A DOWN HILL PUN. 

Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, 
and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was 
among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney 
remarked, that Sir George was getting old and 
feeble — " If I mistake not," replied the king, " he 
is going down hill very rapidly." 

" Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last 
night," said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, 
" but it ended in smoke" " I don't wonder at that," 
replied the monarch ; " The Fire of Croker was 
sure to smoke like Irish turf beneath the weight of 
Scotch Hume-i-dity^ 

Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the 
king of France did not feel offended at the squibs 
let off against him in the English newspapers. 
" Pshaw !" said the king, " he would be a fool 
indeed to be frightened at a squib in London, 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 101 

when at Paris he is sitting on a barrel of' gun- 
powder" 

LORD ELDON's PUNNING JEU d'e SPRIT. 

In an application to his Lordship for an in- 
junction to restrain the proprietors of the " Ga- 
zette of Fashion" from selling the song of " We're 
a' Noddm," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling 
nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, 
observed, " I will dismiss both parties, by granting 
an inj unction against Cease your Funning? 

LORD STOWELL, 

On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in 
the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the 
advocates, if they had any motion to move ; and 
being answered in the negative, the judge very 
good humouredly replied, " Then, gentlemen, the 
best thing we can do will be to move ourselves? 

GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST. 

Kicking the Bucket. 
As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were 
walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, 
by accident, against a small pail, (which some 



102 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

careless servant had left at the door), and turned it 
over ; " Why, your lordship has kicked the bucket" 
said the facetious orator ; " No, not so bad as that, 
George," replied the witty earl, " I've only turned 
a little pale (i. e. pail).'" 

LORD ERSK1NE. 

Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of 
punning upon the ancient languages than his lord- 
ship. For instance, on one of the articles of his 
breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed Tu 
doces, literally Thou — Tea — Chest. 

THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION. 

" Your Grace speaks without reason, and too 
much in a passion" said a Spanish brunette to 
whom he had made a proposal, and was pressing it 
somewhat close. " Ah ! my dear little angel,'" said 
the great captain, " reason has nothing to do with 
love ; and passion is very desirable when we are on 
the point of entering into immediate action." 

TURN IN AND TURN OUT. 

A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke 
of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 103 

of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying 
on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his 
Grace " had not room to turn himself ."" The Duke 
immediately replied, " When you have lived as 
long as I have, you will know that when a man 
thinks of turning in his bed, it is time he should 
turn out of it." 

THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE 

Being told that a great public defaulter had mar- 
ried his kept-mistress, observed, " That fellow is 
always robbing the public." 



ROGERS ON TASTE. 

When the Marquis of Hertford opened his 
splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one 
of the visitors present — much to the annoyance of 
certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an ob- 
servation of hers, upon the splendour and magni- 
ficence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers 
archly remarked, that, " besides splendour, there 
was so much good taste in the ornaments and so- 
ciety — every thing in the rooms was so chaste and 
delicate" 



104 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

LADY HAMILTON. 

The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her 
table given " Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, 
and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she 
cried, " Come, come, my Lord, you must not 
sham Abraham? 

JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT. 

A friend consoling with the comedian during a 
severe attack of the gout, observed, that the disease 
prolonged life, and added, " Any body might take 
a lease of yours? " Then it must be," quoth Jack 
writhing with pain, " at a rack rent? 

HOSPITALITY. 

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the 
Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister 
kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at Cork ? 
" No, 11 replied the wit, " but I have seen a great 
many drawings of it." 

LUTTRELL AND ROGERS. 

Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the 
Chinese Saloon the other day. " This must be a 
famous speculation," said Sam ; " I think the pro- 
prietor of the Anatomie Vivante should take his 
motto from my favourite epistle in Horace — 

* Annonae prosit — 

Vir bonus.' " 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 105 

" Why," said Luttrell, " I think the man a hum- 
bug ; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our 
hospitals — so I think a better motto may be found 
for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted 
so often — 

c Vir bonus est quiz.' " 

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX. 

C. J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much in- 
commoded by duns, were together in a house, when 
seeing some very shabby men about the door, they 
were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. 
Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to 
ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to 
them, said, " Pray, gentlemen, are you Fox-hunt- 
ing; or Hare-hunting f* 

LORD ROSS. 

The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money 
in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit 
his purse. On his way he happened to meet with 
Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in 
a lofty phaeton, with six fine dun-coloured horses. 
" Sir Muring!!," exclaimed his Lordship, " what 
a contrast between you and me! I have left my 
duns behind me ; you are driving your dims be- 
fore you. 



106 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

DR. JOHNSON. 

Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the 
end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd col- 
lected, and upon inquiring of Bos well what it 
meant, was informed that one Vowel was going to 
be hanged for forgery. " Well," replied the 
Doctor, " it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither 
U nor IT 

AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY. 

Dr. Johnson. 
A pert young fellow who had made some abor- 
tive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding 
the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent 
terms with himself, had long been labouring for an 
opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and 
at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to 
Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be 
frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own 
fond imagination, was "Jama super ccthera notum" 
he sat for some time in expectation of being ac- 
costed by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, 
that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to 
break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a 
smile of self-sufficiency, " My name, Doctor John- 
son,"" said he, "is ; you have probably 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 107 

heard of me as being of some celebrity in the liter- 
ary world." " Yes, I have indeed," was the sar- 
castic reply he received, " of very unfortunate 
celebrity? 

DR. PARR ON WANTS. 

The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness 
was secure in proportion to the small number of 
his wants ; and he added, that, all his life, he had 
endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them 
in himself. A Mr. Ketch, on hearing this, said 
to him, " Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness 
is, to cut down your zoants? " Suspend your 
puns, Mr. Ketch? said the Doctor, " and / will 
drop you the hint : My secret is, not to let them 
grow up? 

GEORGE COLMAN. 

George Colman being once asked if he were ac- 
quainted with Theodore Hook, replied, " Oh yes ; 
Hook and I (eye) are old associates. 1 ' 

JAMES SMTTH, ESQ.. ON SPRING AND SUMMER. 

" We shall jump into summer all at once," said a 
friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the 
early part of the year. " Stop," said the punster, 
"if it is leap year, you must take a good spring 
first." 



108 EXAMPLE* IN PUNNING. 



SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART THE SCORE 

OF MERIT. 

Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir 
George Smart being knighted, said, " It must 
have been on the merit of his score *, and not on 
the score of his merit? 

MR. WILLIAM SPENCER. 

Classical Pun. 
As William Spencer was contemplating the ca- 
ricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out 
to him Cruickshanks's design of the " Ostend 
packet in a squall ;" when the wit, without at all 
sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of 
the faces represented in the print, exclaimed, 

" Quodcunque Ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi." 
REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST. 

The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her 
friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities 

* The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then 
Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over 
rich. 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 309 

of spirits and water, though she never observes the 
rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a 
glass under her directions, was asked by the lady — 
"Pray, Sir, is it— As You Like It?"— "No, 
Madam," replied the dramatist, " it is — Measure 
for Measure? 

HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS. 

The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian. 
The first time that Henderson, the player, re- 
hearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick 
came into the boxes, saying as he entered, " I only 
come as a spectator." Soon after he made some 
objection to Henderson's playing, when the young 
actor retorted — " Sir, I thought you were only to 
be a Spectator ; instead of that you are turning 
Tailer" " Never mind him, Sir,' 1 said David 
Garrick, " never mind him, let him be what he 
will, I'll be the Guardian." 

ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN. 

The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written 
to some years since, with an offer for a good en- 
gagement from a manager, who, on a former occa- 
sion, had not behaved altogether well to him. 



110 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him 
once, and he was resolved, that he should not make 
tzvo bites of A. Cherry. 

MR. JEKYLL's PUN ON MR. RAINE. 

Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. 
Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing 
counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, " If Raine zvas 
ever kfiown to do any good to Hay ? " 

RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER. 

A Fault in Candles. 
Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said 
he hoped they would be better than the last. The 
chandler said he was very sorry to hear them com- 
plained of, as they were as good as he could make. 
" Why," says Ralph, li they were very well till 
about half burnt down, but after that they would 
not burn any longer" 

C. J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE " SUBLIME AND 
BEAUTIFUL.*' 1 

Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund 
Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were 
served with dishes more elegant than substantial. 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. Ill 

Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far 
from relishing the kickshaws that were set before 
him, and addressing his companion — " These 
dishes, Burke," said he, " are admirably calcu- 
lated for your palate — they are both sublime and 
beautiful.'''' 

HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON " TIT BITS." 

Home Tooke, author of the Epea Pteroenta, 
was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees 
in conversation. He once received an invitation 
to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. 
" What !" said Home Tooke, " go to meet a 
country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and 
Latin scraps ! that will never do." Some time 
after this, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and ad- 
dressed him with, " Ah ! my dear Parr, is it you? 
how gratified I am to see you ! " w What, me ?" 
replied Parr, " a mere country schoolmaster, a 
man of Greek and Latin scraps ?" " Oh my good 
friend," rejoined Home Tooke immediately, " those 
who told you that never understood me ; when I 
spoke of the scraps I meant the tit-bits" 



112 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

curran's CULINARY JOKE. 
During Lord Westmoreland's administration, 
when a number of new corps were raised in Ire- 
land (and given as jobs and political favours), it 
was observed, that, when inspected there, the esta- 
blishment of each regiment was nominally reported 
to be complete at embarkation for England, but 
when landed at the other side, many of them had 
not a quarter of their numbers. " No wonder,'" 
said Mr. Curran, " for after being mustered, they 
are afraid of being peppered, and off they fly, not 
wishing to pay for the roast" 

COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE. 

A gentleman being severely cross-examined by 
Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he 
did not live within the verge of the court, at length 
answered that he did. c< And pray, sir," said 
Dunning, " why did you take up your residence 
in that place?" — " In order to avoid the imperti- 
nence of dunning,'''' answered the witness. 

LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET. 

Bleeding in Chancery. 
On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained 
against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 113 

Chancellor sent it to the Vice, and " hoped there 
would be no more bleeding" to which Mr. Hart 
replied, not much, as there was only one operator 
retained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, 
they may stick to their patient like a Leach. 

R. B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR 
ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. 

One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into 
the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak : 
" But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish 
cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water.'" 
He swallowed it, another, and another. " Now, 
(said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On 
which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote 
the following impromptu : — 

The Prince came in, said it was cold, 
Then put to his head the rummer ; 

Till swallow after swallow came, 
When he pionounced it summer. 

CHARLES BANNISTER. 

Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his 
custody, and asking his offence, was told he had 
stolen a bridle. " Then (said Charles) he wanted 
to touch the bit." 

i 



114 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING. 

That very sober pious personage, Mr. Wilber- 
force, reproved his friend Sheridan thus : " My 
good Sir, (said he) you have drunk a little too 
much? " Have I ? (hiccupped the other) and you, 
my good Sir, have drunk much too little? 

THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD. 

The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knot- 
ting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was 
doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. 
Whitfoord, can you knot?"'' He answered, " 7" 
can-not.' 1 '' 

JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED. 

The judge told an old man with a long beard, who 
was being examined as a witness, that he " supposed 
he had a conscience as long as his beard? If, replied 
the old man, we were all to be judged of by that 
rule, your lordship would be deemed a most un- 
conscionable judge *. 

LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY. 

" Sic sine Morte Mori" was given by some wag 
as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Ty- 

* Jefferics had no beard. 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 115 

rawley were both present, at a very advanced age, 
when Lord Chesterfield said, " Tyrawley and I 
have been dead these two years; but we don't 
choose to have it known." 

SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH. 

A German baron at a gaming-house, being de- 
tected in an odd trick, one of the players fairly 
threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. 
On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who 
told him u never play so high again? 

FELIX MCCARTHY. 

Felix McCarthy passing through Clement's Inn, 
and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, 
was advised to complain to the Principal, which he 
did thus : " I have been abused here by some of 
the rascals of this inn, and I come to acquaint you 
of it, as I understand you are the Principal" 

TIERNEY V. FOX. 

Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, " If any 
thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom 
I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not 
lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then 
in administration) whispered to his neighbour, " If 
he could not lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie 
in this house with ease." 

i 2 



116 EXAMPLES IN FUNNING. 

LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS. 

Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor at- 
tacked him : "I allow no person (said he) to kill 
game on my manor but myself; and I'll shoot you, 
if I find you here again." " What! (said the 
comedian) do you mean to make game of me F 

CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW. 

The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, 
Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following 
hits took place : 

W. I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time 
with this fiddling. 

S. Sir, I endeavour to keep time. 

W. You mean rather to kill time, 

aS. No, I only beat time. 

JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME. 

When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung 
by Richard Cosur de Lion, Shaw, the leader of 
the band, called out from the orchestra, " Mr. 
Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are murdering 
time" Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch 
of snuff, said, " My dear Sir, it is better for me to 
murder Time at once than be continually beating 
him as you do." 

SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE. 

Sheridan complained that Congreve's " Love for 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 117 

Love" had been so much altered and modified to suit 
the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was 
quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern 
marriages, with very little of " Love for Love" in 
it. " His plays," said the wit, " are, I own, some- 
what licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them : 
they are like horses ; when you deprive them of their 
vice, they lose their vigour." 

THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT. 

An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon 
after thrown into the King's Bench ; on which the 
following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post : 
" Mr. A., who lately quitted the pulpit for the bar, 
has been promoted to the bench.'''' 

SIR J. PARNELL 

Became a general toast in Ireland after the Union, 
by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, " his 
bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he 
was told, " Ah ! but it's amply made up to you in 
toast." 

HORACE TWISS, M. P. 

A special Pun. 
Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of 
Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth : when the 
hero questions the witches what they are doing, 



118 EXAMPLES IN PUNNTNG. 

they answer, (i a deed without a name.*" Our coun- 
sellor, whose attention was at that moment directed 
more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, 
catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, " A 
deed without a name ! why, 'tis void." 

RALPH WEWITZER. 

The comedian meeting a young friend, observed 
how well he looked. " Ay, (says the other) I have 
a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be 
well satisfied ; in the first place, every morning I 
eat a great deal to breakfast. r> " Then (observes 
the former) I presume you breakfast in a timber- 
yard." 

JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER. 

A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. 
John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting 
of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a 
friend, " I may be an actor, but I will not attempt 
to be a Shooter." 

LORD NELSON'S ARMS. 

The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, 
having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put 
up his arms, and change the name of the inn to 
The Nelson Hotel; his lordship returned for an- 
swer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name f 
but he must be sensible that he had no arms to 
spare. 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 11J) 

SOME OF CURRAN's BEST. 

A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an 
assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lord- 
ship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him 
to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. 
" If it were hung (said his lordship), I would try 
it." " If you were to try it (replied Curran), it 
would be sure to be hung? 

CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE. 

On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister 
to " Coventry''' for refusing to fight a duel, " Sure,*' 
said the wit, " that is carrying the joke a little 
too far? 

CAPITAL JOKES. 

While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, 
a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. 
Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he 
saw. " You joke," said the barrister. " If (re- 
plied Mr. Curran) you have many such jokes in 
your head, the sooner you crack them the better." 

ON DISCIPLINE. 

MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he 
had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Re- 
bellion he was seized with a military ardour, and 
when the different volunteer corps were forming in 



120 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

Dublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meet- 
ing with Curran, MacNally said, " My dear friend, 
these are not times for a man to be idle ; I am de- 
termined to enter the Lawyers'* Corps, and follow 
the camp." " You follow the camp, my little limb 
of the law !" said the wit, " tut, tut, renounce the 
idea ; you never can be a disciplinarian." " And 
why not, Mr. Curran ?" said MacNally. " For 
this reason ," said Curran, " the moment you were 
ordered to march you would halt.'' 

LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL. 

A gentleman told Lord North, that from a va- 
riety of losses, he had found himself compelled to 
reduce his establishment. " And what (said his 
lordship) have you done with the fine mare you 
used to ride ?" " I have sold her." " Then you 
have not attended to Horace's maxim : 

' Equa^i memento rebus in arduis 
ServareJ " 

MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND. 

Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas 
More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and 
thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, ob- 
served, " Honor es mutant Mores" " No, my lord 
(said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in 
English, Honors change Manners. 7 ' 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 121 

LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING. 

Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning 
was the lowest species of wit. " True (said the 
other), it is the foundation." 

THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE. 

Pan beneficial. 
Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, de- 
lighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with 
him the first time after the decease of his lady, he 
said he feared the company would not find things 
in so good order as they were in the time of poor 
Mary, adding with a sigh, " Ah ! she was indeed 
Mare Pacificum? A curate, who pretty well knew 
the truth of the matter, got himself completely into 
favour by observing, " Ay, my lord, but she was 
first Mare Mortuum." 

DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS. 

A pun spoiled. 
At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought 
in, become almost grey with age. " Carry these 
pease to Kensington !" said one of the party. " Why 
to Kensington ?" said another. " Because it's the 
way to TurrCem green? Dr. Goldsmith going 
home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, 
observed, that he would have given five pounds to 
make so excellent a pun. " You shall have the 
opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when 



122 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

you are to dine with me, and none of the same 
company will be present." Tuesday came, and 
the dinner was served up ; amongst the other 
dishes a plate of pease of the same description. 
" Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. 
" Why so ?" " Because it's the way to make them 
green /" 

DR. BROWN'S TOAST. 

Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses 
to a young lady, whom he used always to give as 
a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter 
filling his glass, said, " Come, doctor, I'll give you 
your favourite toast." He answered, " You may 
do as you please ; but for myself, I have already 
toasted her too long without being able to make her 
Brown" 

R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M. P. 

" Sir," said the humane M. P. to the facetious 
dramatist (praising his own bill), " instead of the 
drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as for- 
merly, you will shortly see them applying opodeldoc 
to their wounds." " Ay ;" rejoined the punster, 
" Steer's of Cow-lane." 

R. PEAKE AND WINSTON. 

The punster, having occasion to call upon the 
stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his 
room, when the servant remarked, " he feared Mr. 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 123 

Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a 
stage screzv lying upon the table before him, took it 
up and replied, " I perceive he has left his card 
and name behind him." 

ARNOLD AND PEAKE. 

A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the pro- 
prietor of the English Opera, was an ill-tempered 
man, but a fortunate one, Charles Westmacott 
replied, " he knew that to be true, for he was in- 
debted for both his cash and success to pique." 
(Peake his dramatist and treasurer.) 

PEAKE'S " STOUT MAN" 

Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of 
the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when 
Arnold observing that the piece did not run ac- 
cording to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, 
" How can you expect a stout man to run in such 
very hot weather?" 

CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS. 

The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. 
Parsons into a shop where there was an electric eel, 
the latter said, " Charles, what sort of a pie would 
that eel make ?" He answered, " A shock-ing one? 

THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES. 

Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing 
a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and 
skill of a waterman, observed, " Your grace is 



124 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

certainly prepared for the worst extremities, for 
by your skull you could always keep your head 
above Tqater." 

BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN. 

Simplicity v. Wit. 
A country booby boasting of the numerous acres 
he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, " For 
every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." 
The other, filling his glass, said, " My service to 
you, Mr. Wise-acre /" 

DENNIS THE FUNSTER. 

Tria juncta in una. 
Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, 
and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed 
for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose 
names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; 
he answered them in the following manner : " If 
Good be the better half of thy name, it is so little 
in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in con- 
junction with thy friend John, thou hast helped to 
make such a noble copy of verses that they ought 
to be engraven on stone. I would have given 
steel the preference, if a certain person did not Mar 
your works, so shall say no more of the matter." 



W. R. V.-ANA. 

THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER. 



" A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." 

[There are very few literary persons in London, at 
least among those connected with the public press, 
who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, 
punning, conversational powers of my friend 
W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good 
nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected 
manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle 
him to.] 

Some one observed, " Matches are made in 
Heaven. " " Yes," answered he, " and they are 
very often dipped in the other place." 

Two men contending at a tavern upon the point 
of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, 
" Blow, blow, thou wintry wind !" one said Ben 
Jonson ; the other said Shakspeare. R. V. to ad- 
just their differences, observed, " They must have 
written it between them, for each was a-verse to 
ingratitude." 

A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name 
of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and 
starved to death, applied to the punster — " Yon-go- 
lean-Or was the reply. 



126 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

" A tailor is the ninth part of a man,' 1 observed 
a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the 
sheers : " But," answered R. V. " a fool's no part 
at all." 

" He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed 
an old cynic. " You speak from experience" was 
the stopper to this vinegar cruet. 

Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole 
tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith : R. V. 
hoped that as he had so long answered the bell, the 
Bell would now answer him. 

One asked him what works he had in the press. 
" Why, the History of the Bank, with notes ; the 
Art of Cookery, with plates ; and the Science of 
Single Stick, with voood cuts" 

A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when 
he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. " I 
am surprised at that," said he ; " his father took 
his chop at Hatchet #V 

A barber recommended him his aromatic es- 
sence for the improvement of his hair. " No, no ; 
don't waste your fragrance on the desert hair." 

A friend remarked of a gentleman with very 
large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. " Poor 
fellow ; don't you see he's lock-jawed F" 

" How well you put on your cravat," said a crony : 
" that tie 's something new." — " Yes ; it's a novel- 
tier 



EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 127 

He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by 
observing, " I should not like to go up in a balloon 
with you, for fear of our falling out." 

Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work 
of his from the press to his bookseller, " Dear me !" 
he exclaimed, " what a weight is off my mind?'' 

" What a swell you are in your new frock coat," 
said a quiz to him one day. " Don't you like it ? 
— I do : indeed I'm quite wrapped up in it." 

The same person meeting him one day in the 
city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if 
it was a city cut. " No," answered he, " it's a 
west -cut." 

Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a 
wine glass : the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently 
let it fall—" Zounds ! I did not ask you for a 
tumbler !" 

Sitting in company with one of those people who 
find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indif- 
ferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old 
fellow. " True, true ; we have nothing new or 
good now-a-days : Waterloo bridge is a catchpenny, 
Herschell's telescope all my eye, the steam engine 
a bottle of smoke, and the safety-coach a complete 
take in." 

Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learn- 
ing was pabulum animi, food of the mind. " Yes," 



128 EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. 

replied he, " and that's the reason, I suppose, the 
collegians wear trencher caps." 

On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, 
the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his fo- 
raging cap, greatly inconveniencing him : a brave 
officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood 
near, presented His Majesty with his own, which 
the King graciously accepted, and wore until he 
got to his carriage. This drew from him the fol- 
lowing impromptu : 

" Whether in peace or war, 
If hostile dangers frown, 
It is the soldier's care 

To guard his Monarch's crown." 

He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever 
work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stu- 
pidity. " My book wanted a title" was the reply. 
" Oh !" he observed, "but it might otherwise have 
been peer-less" 

On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating 
the affair that deprived him of his rank as General 
being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they 
should refuse him even a rnajor-ibyP 

Being proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, 
he asked when they met : — " Every Saturday even- 
ing during the winter ." — " Then," said he, " I shall 
never make a Phoenix, for I carCt rise from the fire" 



NORBURYANA*; 

CONTAINING 

A RiCH SELECTION OF LORD NORBCJRY'S 

BEST PUNS, 

^wce ag Xmporteti* 



THE PUNNING LAWYERS. 

The counsel archly crack their joke 
On every word the witness spoke ; 
The Jury, laughing, like the fun, 
And Norbury sums up with a Pun. 

A good Pun has, from time immemorial, been 
quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good 
plea ; and not unusually has proved successful with 
the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely 
to the more weighty arguments of precedents and 
rejoinder, would only have produced a temporary 
suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury 's 
talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon 
all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound : 
scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the 
sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the hu- 
mourist is after the last good thing of the Chief 
Justice's ; and, if he fails to encounter a new pun, 
he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without 
game for the morrow ; for pun-less, he is quite as 

* Many of these whims have never before appeared in 
print. 

K 



130 XORBURYANA. 

miserable as if he was penny-less ; and if he cannot 
crack a new joke at the club, he is like to go cracked 
himself with vexation in consequence. 

It is one of the evils attending eminence in any 
art, that many loose performances will be attri- 
buted to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which 
would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented 
individual under whose cognomen they are surrep- 
titiously launched forth into public life. Every 
new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether in- 
vented in the Four Courts of Dublin, or at the 
midnight orgies held in the broad and narrow 
Courts of London, at the Fives Court or the Tennis 
Court, the King's Court, or the Courts of law and 
equity, are all heaped upon the great original, 
Lord Norbury ; who has, in consequence, as many 
sins of this sort to bear with, as any criminal 
that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In 
selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of 
this little book has endeavoured to affix to the 
Noble Punster, only, the legitimate offspring of his 
own creation ; or at least such, if any one has stolen 
in, as may not disgrace his witty family. 

LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO 

Is, u Right can never die;" then, said his lordship, 
punning thereon, " right must be left for ever." 



NORBURYANA. 181 

AN AMOROUS PUN. 

K Who is that lovely girl ?" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
burv, riding in company with his friend Counsel- 
lor Grahaarty. " Miss Glass," replied the barrister. 
st Glass T reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love 
which man bears to woman, I should often become 
intoxicated, could I press such & glass to my UpsT 

THE JOKER^S RETORT. 

The numerous and severe animadversions on 
Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only 
afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supple- 
mental criticism, viz. " That the English Broom 
(Brougham) wanted an Irish stick to it ;" an ap- 
pendage which, in the early part of his Lordship^ 
career, he certainly would have been very ready to 
furnish. 

PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE. 

The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the 
appellation of Bully Egan, from his rough courage, 
got into the Irish parliament during the admini- 
stration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and 
joined with the Whigs of that day in a most out- 
rageous opposition to the administration of the 
noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when 

k 2 



NORBURYANA. 

the opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited 
regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The 
Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without 
beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of 
the political field. Not content with this retreat, 
the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the 
noble Marquis, by way of post obit, and to heap all 
those maledictions upon his administration, when 
defunct, which they had so indefatigably done 
while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the 
course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in 
his speech an episode, in which he proposed, " Now 
that the Marquis was politically dead, to pencil his 
epitaph ;" and this he did in such coarse and pon- 
derous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord 
Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan, 
penciling with a pickaxe, 

TIME AND ETERNITY. 

On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner 
who had been convicted of privately stealing a time 
piece, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enor- 
mity of his crime, concluded a very impressive 
speech by observing, that he had been grasping at 
time, and caught eternity. 



NORBURYANA. 133 

THE CANAL AND LOCKS. 

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was pos- 
sessed of considerable property in a distant part of 
the country, and in whose welfare he had taken 
great interest, particularly during the progress of a 
bill through parliament for draining her lands, he 

accosted her, " Ah, my dear Mrs G , how d'ye 

do? — how goes on your water ways ? — I must 
come and take a view of your little canal and 
locks." 

DROPPING THE SUBJECT. 

A man having been capitally convicted before 
Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to 
say why judgment of death should not pass against 
him — " Say !" replied he, " why, I think the joke 
has been carried far enough already, and the less 
that is said about it the better ; so if you please, 
my lord, we'll drop the subject. 11 " The subject 
may drop" replied his lordship. 

JAM SATIS. 

A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie 
made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have 
some more fruit? " Jam satis" replied the punster. 



134 NORBURYANA. 



THE CRITICS CURTAILED. 

" Lord Byron calls his abusers dogs" said a 
friend to Lord Norbury ; " No doubt he wishes 
them and their censures cur-tailed" was the reply. 

SHAKE-SPEARE. 

Riding one day with a friend of the name of 
Speare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very 
much, his Lordship could not help observing it. 
" He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may 
mend," said Speare. " By the bye, my Lord, I 
want a name for him."" "It must be Shakespeare, 
then," retorted his Lordship. 

KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS. 

Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of 
Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from 
giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so 
offensive to the King James's party. James, the 
next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave 
it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was 
present, could not help observing, " You are no 
friend to King, — James" 



NOR BURY AN A. 135 

CURLED HAIR. 

Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, 
the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, 
who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her 
on having so long delayed sending home his order : 
" Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with 
great naivete, " there's no curled hair to be had 
now in Dublin, neither for love nor money." " By 
the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking 
amorously, " but it was very plentiful in this city, 
Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a curly boy" 

TRIAL OF A HORSE. 

Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury 
had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious 
and long trial, when they retired to make up their 
verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion re- 
specting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey 
for not being sound. His lordship complained of 
his being much tired after the business of the day, 
and begged they would postpone the business till 
Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward 
the business, said it would only occupy him a few 
minutes to try it. His Lordship rising, said in his 
usual dry way : " Gentlemen, to-morrow is a ho- 
liday; you will have time and leisure to try the 
horse yourselves" 



136 



NORBUItYANA. 



A DRY WIPE. 

Lord Norbury being in company with some 
lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that 
was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected 
on ? replied, " Yes, yes, I took it to the water- 
closet with me. 1 ' When told who was the author, 
he replied, " Ha ! I did not think my friend Grady 
intended me such a wipe." 

HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE. 

Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled 
with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon 
Carrol accordingly opened the temporal artery ; 
and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship 
said to him, " Carrol, I believe you were never 
called to the bar V " No, my Lord, I never was," 
replied the surgeon. — <k Well, I am sure, Doctor, 
I can safely say you have cut a figure in the 
Temple:'' 

THE GAME JOKE. 

On being informed, last autumn, of the elope- 
ment of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was 
Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, " Then we must 
look out our fleecy hosiery T — " Why so, my Lord ?" 
" Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, 
long, and severe winter to see, so early in the 
season, the Woodcocks for sake the Moors" 



\ 



NORBUltYANA. 137 

MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED. 

Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of 
Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horse- 
back in the Phoenix Park, took occasion to admire 
the beauty of their horses : " The gift of His 
Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly : " and 
Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present.'" — " Then 
I understand," said Lord Norbury, " His Majesty 
mounts you bothy 

A SPORTING PUN. 

A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship 
some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that 
he had lately shot thirty-three hares before break- 
fast. — " Thirty-three hares /" exclaimed Lord Nor- 
bury : " Zounds, Sir ! then you must have been 
firing at a wig? 

THE FEMALE LINGUIST. 

A report having reached his Lordship that a 
female pedant, who was well known as a blue 
stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he 
observed, " He could answer for her disposition to 
conjugate, but feared she would have no oppor- 
tunity of declining? 



138 NORBURYANA. 

HOPE AND JOY. 

At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an 
eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a 
certain cause, apologized to the court for the ab- 
sence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it 
would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who 
was engaged in another court, would return. Some 
time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the 
bar, saying, " Gentlemen, I think we had better 
proceed with the business of the day — although 

e Hope told a flattering tale, 
That Joy would soon return.' " 

A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD. 

A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, 
in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an ac- 
quaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he 
did not come there to be queered by the old one. 
Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in 
his own canty u I'm old, 'tis true, and I'm rum some- 
times — and for once I'll be queer, and send you to 
quod" 



NORBURYANA. 189 

A LATE DINNER. 

Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, 
when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, 
which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler 
was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran 
walking towards his house, said, " Do not forget, 
Curran, you dine with me to-day." " I rather 
fear, my friend," replied Mr. Curran, " it will be 
so long first, that you may forget it." 

CUT AND COME AGAIN. 

In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was 
plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, de- 
fendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, 
Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one 
or two more very fat barristers were employed for 
the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably 
thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Penny- 
father, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client 
from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument 
said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the 
opposite party stand forth like Shy lock in the play, 
with their knife outstretched to cut from us the 
very pound of flesh ! " Lord Norbury very tritely 
interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, " Mr. 
Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you 
can spare it better" 



140 NORBURYANA. 

A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED. 

When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence 
of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon 
the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in 
clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry- 
room table, after the collection for the Charity 
Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 
1819, he jocosely replied, " that he thought it very 
hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have note 
takers at all such public meetings." 

CLOSE SHAVING. 

The Persian Ambassador having, among other 
public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, 
in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court 
of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business 
was suspended for a short time, to view so extraor- 
dinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the 
eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had 
retired, one of the Judges asked Lord Norbury 
what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily 
replied, "he might be a very clever man, but he 
was certain he was not a close shaver." 

THE RACKET COURT. 

The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so 
decorous and attentive as they should be. During 



NORBURYANA. 141 

the examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had 
occasion once or twice to request silence ; when the 
man, in a reply to a question from his lordship re- 
lative to his occupation, answered that " he kept a 
racket court." " Indeed," said the judge, and 
looking archly at the bar, continued, " and I am 
very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of a 
racket court much too often." 

POT LUCK. 

A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very 
irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental 
friends on a particular evening in every week at his 
own house ; when some wags, more desirous of pro- 
moting discord than harmony, used to assemble un- 
der his windows, making the most hideous noises, 
or in the Irish phraseology, " giving him a shaloo" 
upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a 
certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some 
passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. 
For this assault an action was brought and tried 
before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case 
to the jury, good humouredly observed, " that the 
plaintiffs must be considered in the light of unin- 
vited guests, and it could not be denied that they 
had been treated by the defendant with pot-luck," 

In a humorous trial between the rival managers, 



142 N0RBURYANA. 

Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of 
the latter to perform the farce of " My Grand- 
mother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's 
counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable 
from the defendant, for his infringement of the 
rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to 
that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. 
Toler, in reply, observed, " That it was notorious, 
no man in Dublin had contributed more largely, in 
one way, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly ; 
and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this 
action, that he should send them the cash. But," 
continued the facetious counsel, " although Mr. 
Daly's attachment to good pieces is proverbial, we 
do not choose that he shall monopolize all the good 
pieces in Dublin, from c My Grandmother' down 
to ' Miss in her Teens' " 

LORD NORBURY 1 S EPITAPH. 
SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF 

He's dead ! alas, facetious punster. 
Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir : 
From heaven's high court, a tipstaff' 's sent, 
To call him to his joww-ishment : — 
Stand to your ropes ! ye sextons, ring ! 
Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding ! 
Nor-bury him without his due, 
He was himself a Toler * too ! 

* The Learned Judge's name. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 



THE SPORTING PUNSTERS. 

Two merry wags, of Cockney land, 

Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand, 

Where tavern wits choice puns let fly, 

Resolved their dogs and guns to try. 

Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit, 

With jacket, belt, and net to boot, 

Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise, 

To take the pheasants by surprise. 

And what will strange appear, though true, 

A poor stray 'd cock-bird came in view, 

Uprising 'tween the punning elves, 

Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves. 

Condoling on their hapless gunning, 

They yet could not desist from punning : 

" Ne'er mind, Tom, peasants each we've hit." 

" Why leave the aitch, Ned, out of it?" 

'* Because," quoth Ned, *' I'd fain forget 

The aitch that frets my body yet." 

"' Still pop for pop," quoth Tom again. 

Says Ned, " I feel a shooting pain ; 

But Lien I've heard, those who aspire 

To be good sportsmen must stand fire." 

" Agreed," cries Tom, " and in my head 

'Tis now engraved in molten lead" 

By Berkaed Black mantle. 

ON SIR THOMAS MORE ; LORD CHANCELLOR OF 

ENGLAND. 

When More had few years Chancellor been, 

No more suits did remain ; 
The like shall never more be seen, 

Till More be there again ! 



146 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS. 

Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of 
Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the 
Marquis of Huntley. 

An apple, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace, 
Who from Paradise quickly was driven ; 

But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case, 
For a Melon transports you to heaven. 

TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW. 

Her mourning is all make-believe ; 

'Tis plain there's nothing in it ; 
With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve, 

The while she's laughing in it. 

IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE, 
ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE. 

"ris true I am ill, but I need not complain ; 

For he never knew pleasure who never knew Payne. 

TO C J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE. 

God's noblest work's an honest man, 

Says Pope's instructive line ; 
To make an honest woman, then, 

Most surely is divine. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 147 

TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY. 

You move the people, when you speak, 
For one by one, away they sneak. 



COWPER S HOMER. 

Any-mad-versions when like this I see, 
Animadversions they will draw from me. 

TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR. 

With his Lordship's night -cap, that caught fire on the 
Poefs head, as he was reading in bed at Merton. 

Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire, 
For I wish not to keep it a minute ; 

What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire, 
Is sure to be instantly in it. 

ON THE COUNTESS OF B , WHO WAS RUINED AT 

THE GAMING TABLE. 

Card-table epitaph. 

Clarinda reign'd the queen of hearts, 
Like sparkling diamonds were her eyes ; 

Till by the knave of clubs'' false arts, 
Here bedded by a spade she lies. 

l2 



148 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 



ADAM AND MACADAM. 



" The Macadamized streets are extremely dusty." — 

Morning Paper. 

Adam was made of borrowed dust ; 

So says the Bible ; and, 'tis plain, 
Macadam, to discharge the trust, 

To dust turns all the ways of men. 

THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN. 

A hint to clever men employed on such occasions. 
u Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours say 
The jury mean to sit on him to day. 11 
" Know' st thou for what ?" said Tom. — Quoth 

Ned, " no doubt 
'Tis merely done to squeeze the water out? 

BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX. 

Royal Pun-Dit. 
Come, lament, all ye Rogers, of punning renown, 

Whose praises are sung by the * Puss sex, 
For the pun of all puns that enraptures the town 

Is the last bv his big Grace of Sus-sex. 



* Puss, a domestic animal — allegorically a mature spinster 
— a tabby. — Johnson. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 149 

In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts, 
And telling the names of its Patrons, 

He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street 
boasts, 
No matter if spinsters or matrons. 

First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss: 
Said his Grace " Were such joys ever given ! 

We enter the first — for the way we can't miss : 
We enter the second — 'tis Heaven F 

TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF " BRUTUS." 

Your prose and verse alike are bad, 

Methinks you both transpose ; 
Your prose e'en like your verse runs mad, 

And all your verse is prose. 

DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER. 

The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Com- 
poser, for hk Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, 
by his friend Peter Pindar. 

Son of the string, (I do not mean Jack Ketch, 
Though Jack, like thee, produceth dying tones,) 

Oh ! yield thy pity to a starving wretch, 

And for to-morrow's treat, pray send thy bones ! 



150 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

BY LORD BYRON, 
On Southeys house being on fire. 
Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates, 

Abstulit : hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phoebe, placet ? 
O scelus, 6 magnum facinus, crimenque deorum, 
Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus. 

Martial, Lib. xi. Epig. 94. 

The Laureate's house hath been on fire ! the Nine 
All smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine : 
But, cruel fate ! Oh damnable disaster ! 
The house — the house is burnt, and not the master ! 

GEORGE TIERNEY, M. P. 

The Inclosure Bill. 
If 'tis a crime in man or woman, 
A goose to pilfer from a common ; 
What can a parliament excuse, 
To steal a common from a goose ? 

ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE, 

A lady remarkably short in stature. 
Thrice happy Tom — I think him so ; 

For mark the poet's song, — 
" Man wants but little here below, 

Nor wants that little long:" 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 151 

ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN 
AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS. 

His time was quick, his touch was fleet, 

Our gold he nimbly fingered; 
Alike alert with hands and feet, 

His movements have not linger'd. 

Where lies the wonder of the case ? 

A moment's thought detects it ; 
His practice has been thorough-bass, 

A chord will be his exit. 

SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM. 

A father and son much addicted to drink, 

Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee ; 
Said the parent, " Why, Tom, thou dost drink 

mighty deep, 
Though you'll say that you take after me." 

" No, father," cried Tom, " I will never say so, 

Nor do so, I hope, by St. Paul ; 
For, 'tis certain, that if I did take after you, 

I should drink scarcely any at allP 

BY LORD HARBOROUGH. 

If Love '5 el flame, as ancient poets prove, 
Ah, me ! how cold 's the fire of my Love. 



152 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

ON A PAINTED FAIR. 

Ye ladies who paint, may most safely declare, 
With Horace, that dust and a shadow ye are. 

CURRAN's DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM. 

An epigram, what is it, honey ? 
A little poem, short and funny ; 
About four lines in length, — not more : 
Then this is one, for here are four. 

ON A MISER NAMED MORE. 

Iron was his chest, 

Iron was his door ; 
His hand was iron, 

And his heart was More. 

ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE. 

Written during the O. P. contest. 
Actor and Architect, he tries 

To please the critics, one and all ; 
This bids the private tiers to rise, 

And that the public tears to fall. 

MAIDS AND BACHELORS. 

Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes ; 
It may be true — but, tarry— 
They're bachelors that fill those shapes 
Because they did not marry. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 153 

ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN 
ARM IN ARM. 

How D. D. swaggers, M. D. rolls ! 

I dub them both a race of noddies : 
Old D. D. has the cure of souls, 

And M. D. has the care of bodies. 
Between them both, what treatment rare 

Our souls and bodies must endure ! 
One has the cure without the care, 

And one the care without the cure. 

ONE LAWYER MORE. 

" Pray does one More, a lawyer, live hard by ?" 
" I do not know of one? was the reply ; 
" But if one less were living, I am sure, 
Mankind his absence safely might endure." 

PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC. 

In critics this country is rich ; 

In friendship and love who can match 'em : 
When writers are plagued with the itch, 

They hasten most kindly to scratch 'em. 



154 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE 
INNS OF COURT. 

The Society of Clement's Inn having had iron 
bars put up at the entrance to prevent porters, 
cattle, or other nuisances from coming in, — it 
called forth the following lines from a "jat 
single gentleman' 1 '' to the principal and ancients. 

Ye principal and ancient men, attend 
To one of your unfortunate fat lodgers, 

Whose studies make him lusty ;— -oh ! befriend ! 
Or I shall surely call you ancient codgers, 

'Tis true I came here, looking to the bar, 
And hop'd to have a call some day unto it ; 

But at your entrance now there many are, 
Indeed so many, that I can't get thro 1 it. 

" / can't get out" as Sterne's poor starling said, 
Unless I ask the porter to unlock it ; 

This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed, 

Or 'gainst my corpus you must strike a docket. 

This may reduce me to a decent size, 

And let me pass your cursed bars of iron ,- 



FUNNING EPIGRAMS. 155 

Put up to keep us from the London cries, 
Which now your sanctum sanctorum environ. 

For if I can't be taken in, 'tis clear 

I cannot be let out; and that gives trouble. 

Ye principal and ancient men, oh ! hear ! 

And let me pass the bar — I'm David Double. 

ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY. 

That Homer should a bankrupt be 
Is not so very Odd-oVye-see ; 
If it be true, as I am instructed, 
So Ill-he-had his books conducted. 

WALKING FOR LIFE. 

On a Gentleman bringing on a severe ft of illness, by 
an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his 
health. 

Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus 
your breath ; 
'Tis in vain these exertions you make : 
And to " walk for your life" against sure-footed 
death, 
Is the very " worst step you can take /" 



156 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 



A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW- 

On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which weieused 
as wine cellars : 

There's a spirit above and a spirit below, 

A spirit of joy and a spirit of woe : 
The spirit above is a spirit divine; 

The spirit below is a spirit of wine. 

THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH. 

Two musical parties to Bladud belong, 
To delight the old rooms and the upper : 

One gives to the ladies a supper, no song; 
The other a song and no supper. 

ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER. 

Though nature thee of thy right hand bereft, 
Right well thou writ est with the hand that's left. 

printer's kiss. 
Print on my lips another kiss, 

The picture of thy glowing passion- — 
Nay, this wont do — nor this — nor this — 

But now — Ay, that's a proof impression. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 157 

TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER. 

Though much you're scar'd by Mars in arms, 

At fighting much dejected ; 
Yet Venus, with her naked charms, 

Has seen you — MoRE-affected. 

THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN. 

From the French. 

Woman is 
In infancy a tender flower, 

Cultivate her ; 
A floating bark in girlhood's hour, 

Softly freight her. 
A fruitful vine when grown a lass, 

Prune and please her ; 
Old, she's a heavy charge, alas ! 

Support and ease her. 

THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER. 

On a Lady Jar advanced in years, voho was a great 
Card-player, having married her Gardener. 

Trumps ever ruPd the charming maid, 
Sure all the world must pardon her ; 

The destinies turned up a spade ; 
She married John the gardener. 



158 TUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE. 

The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia. 

The Lamb, the lawyer's innocence declares ; 

The Horse, their expedition in affairs ; 

Hail, happy men ! such emblems well describe 

The specious cunning of your legal tribe : 

For say what client can expect a loss 

From Lamb-like lawyers, fleeter than a Horse ? 

No more let Chancery's ills be endless counted, 

Since on the Pegasus of Law yeVe mounted. 

And ye, poor suitors ! mark your simple Jute — 

The shorn lambs ye— that crowd the Temple gate. 

ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON. 

" Some demon, sure," says wond'ring Ned, 
" In Newton's brain has fix'd his station ! " 

" True," Dick replies, " you've rightly said, 
I know his name, — 'tis demonstration? 

TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES. 

Ladies ! the stags (as wise men say) 
Change horns but once a-year : 

Whereas your stags change ev'ry day, 
As plainly does appear. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 159 

ON GRIEVES's BRUSH. 

Some men brush on, and some brush off, 

And some brush out of sight ! 
While Grieves' 's * brush makes thousands rush 

To see it every night. 

ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES. 

If on this pedestal we see 

Our great Achilles and Protector, 

Why then the inference must be, 

He whom he vanquished was a Hector. 



EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V. 

On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her 
life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape. 

Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said, 
That custom has raised an unnatural strife ; 

For if she gets Jut — she loses her bread ; 
And if she gets thin—she loses her life. 

* The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have 
been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery 
produced at Covent Garden Theatre. 



160 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on 
the first night of the appearance of Miss Dance. 

Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first, 

But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant 
trance, 
And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is 
just, 
Where Melpomene's self comes to welcome the 
Dance. 

On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely 
played by Miss Tree. 

Where's Ariel? that is, where is Tree? 

Whose voice and form so truly suit in 't ; 
Surely the public must agree, 

The Manager has put his Foot in't. 

On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and 
on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Black- 
friars Bridge. 

England's friendly to all, let folks say what they 

will, 
From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover ; 
Her Commons first passed the Catholic Bill, 
And the very next day vote for the Pass over. 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 161 

On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the 
" Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week. 

Parry's rage for discovery exceeds all, no doubt, 
For both captain and crew in a Fury set out ; 
But still some excuse will appear for this freak, 
When we learn the affair took place in Passion 
week. 

On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare 
was lame. 

That Shakspeare was lame, from his sonnets you'd 
gain, 

But halt ere such men with weakness you're brand- 
ing; 

An abler hand never guided a pen, 

And his works plainly show he'd a strong under- 
standing. 

ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE ; 

The Sovereigns name being cut George IIII. and not 
as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath. 

Pistrucci, in thine art divine, 

Thou never wast more clever ; 
Long may the laurel mark our Sovereign's line, 

But may the I. V. never ! 

M 



162 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

IMPROMPTU 

On Captain Fit z- Clarence s life being preserved by the 
interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the 
Conspirators in Cato Street. 

When war destruction on the soldier deals, 
Some seek from death a refuge in their heels ; 
E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife, 
We find indebted to his Legge for life ! 

MATTIIEWs's APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT. 

Jack from his box surveys the house around, 
Views in the pit a friend with glass erect, 
Whose rusty coat with many a gaping wound 
First draws the cut oblique, and then the cut 
direct. 

" How now," cries Will ! (whilst all around him 

heard), 
" Cut an old friend ! why, Jack, what are you 

after ? 
Oh, oh, the coat ! 'pon honor that's absurd ; 
Charles is so droll, I've cracked my sides with 

laughter." 



PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 16$ 

TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL. 

That U follows Q 
Is not always true ; 
When your pigtail I view, 
Then queue follows you. 

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURKNG 
THE LATE RAINS. 

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main, 
Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain ; 
But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags. 
Oh that the main would scour the British flags ! 

TO THE AUTHOR OF " PEN OWEN." 

If wit and elegance combined, 
With harmless satire glowing, 
Can gain applause, or charm the mind, 
It is to your Pen-ozoing. 

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART. 

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose ; 
With a " Deluge 1 ' of music the house overflows ; 
His (Boxer) Bochsa beats time, who's forced to 

impart 
Nought but pleasure arising from Harmony's 

Smart. 

m 2 



164 PUNNING EPIGRAMS. 

A SNEER ANSWERED. 

" Leave off your puns/' said Jack to Bill, 
" Give me a bon mot if you will." 
" A what ? a bon mot ! how absurd ! 
Whoever gave you a good word" 

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG. 

Here lies, who living never lied, 
A friend sincere, of courage tried ; 
No slave to wealth, to vice unknown, 
Though oft reduced to pick a bone. 
PatcJid was his coat, both red and white, 
And shaggy too his outward plight ; 
Yet grateful still his master serv'd, 
And from allegiance never swerVd. 
A sportsman true, who at a word 
Would point, and oft bring down his bird : 
Or fitch, or carry, hunt, or find, 
Whate'er was of the feather'd kind. 
" By no disease^-no blast he fell, 
" But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well, 
" Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time, 
" As clock that can no longer chime :" 
Here Carlo stopp'd — for want of breath, 
Outrun at last by Nimrod death. 

Bernard Blackmantle. 



THE 

PUNSTER'S COURT; 

OR, 

THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN. 

VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT. 

For Illustration, see Vignette to Title, 



Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages, 

Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages, 

Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek, 

That Puns were esteem'd both by Hebrew and Greek : 

Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun, 

And their merriment owed to the mirth-making Pun. 

There's Buxtorf, a learned Chaldean, hath told, 

That Ptolemseus Philo-punnaeus, of old, 

Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city, 

To propagate 'punning and make the folks witty ; 

And so well did the priests with the people succeed, 

That their Puns were collected, and thus 'twas decreed ; 

" In a temple devoted to punning and wit, 

" In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ ; 

<c ' The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'" — 

Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole. 

Here Janus contended with Pan for the throne, 

When his double-faced godship unrivalled shone j 

For no matter how wittily Pan punn'd away, 

Janus turn'd round his head from the " grave to the gay/ 

Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder, 

Decided for Janus's double entendre. 

Bernard Blackmantle. 



PUNS 

FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES; 

OR, 

JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR. 



" Touch but his gunpowder wit with a merry fire, and 
you shall instantly hear a good report." 

" A punster's wit, what is it like ?" 

" The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en ;" 

" Or gunpowder," says merry Mike, 
" Touch it, you bid adieu to pain." 



PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON. 

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, 
playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, 
that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the 
room throwing the dice, and addressing himself al- 
ternately to his visitors, said 

" If I bate you an ace, 

Deuce take me 

for it would he-tray a weakness 

in a man who could not cater for himself. 

Therefore sink me 

if you do size." 

A NEGATIVE PUN. 

" I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you 
have succeeded to a large landed property !" " And 
I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless." 



PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C. 167 

A PUN. THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER. 

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the fol- 
lowing passage : — Tu es Petrus, et super hanc pe- 
tram cedificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in 
rendering these words into their own tongue, con- 
vert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner 
stone here spoken of — Tu es Pierre, et sur cette 
pierre fedifieral mon eglisell! 



An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the 
pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully 
annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to 
whose " loud sounds 1 ' he was unfortunately placed. 
He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the 
performer made use of the word " man-milliner" once 
or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. " Man- 
milliner !" said the gentleman, " I am none, but 
you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with." 

A backslider's pun. 
A gentleman asked another if he would have a 
skait on the Serpentine ; — " Most certainly ; but 
I can't trust to my soles and heels : besides, I should 
lose my character." — " Lose your character !" — 
" Aye, I should become a back-slider" — " Oh," 
answered his friend, " come along; you'll do, if you 
commence on fundamental principles." 



168 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 

AN HERALDIC PUN. 

A gentleman employing a porter whose name 
was Russel, asked him jocularly, " Pray is your 
coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's ?" 
" Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, 
pretty much alike ; but there is a confounded dif- 
ference in our coats.'''' 

A CANONICAL PUN. 

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks 
since ; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in 
that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he 

said—" So, Canon H is dead P"— " Indeed !" 

replied the other, " I was not aware that cannons 
went o^in that way." — " Yes, they do," rejoined 
the first, " for I have just heard the report /" 

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN. 

" Does your husband expectorate?" said an 
apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long 
visited his shop for her sick husband — " Expect to 
ate, yer honour — no sure, and Paddy does not expect 
to ate — he 's nothing at all to ate !" The humane 
man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of 
soup then smoking on his table. 

A BITTER PUN. 

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were 
hot. " Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter 
cold day? 



AND PURPOSES. 169 

a smuggler's PUN. 
When the Custom-house corps first made their 
public appearance, it was observed by one, that 
they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders, 
" Rather say," said another, " that they appear more 
like Seizers" (Caesars.) 

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN. 

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them 
noticing a spot of' grease on the neckcloth of his 
companion, said, " I see you are a Grecian" — 
" Pooh !" said the other, " that's far-fetched"— 
" No, indeed," says the punster, " I made it on the 
spot." 

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN. 

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing 
the merits of their several professions ; says the 
Skullist, " What we cannot get into their noddles, we 
get out of them." — •" Yes," says the physiognomist, 
" God help the heads saddled with such a theory ! 
for whilst one galls, t'other spurs 'em." 

A CITY PUN. 

A wag, upon seeing the name of " Mr. Ledger, 
conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of 
deaths, observed, " Ah ! poor fellow ! his day-book's 
closed, and he 's posted, I suppose, to his long ac- 
count." — " By no means improbable," said another, 
" seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life !" 



170 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 

A PHYSICAL PUN. 

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to 
a celebrated physician — " Oh," replies he, " I have 
called several times, but he 's always out." " Why 
then," observes his friend, " try another." " Who ?" 
" Who ! why Sir Ever-hard-Home" 

A COLLEGE PUN. 

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to 
the Latin classics, for the best " Carmen' to cele- 
brate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, 
sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he 
knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the 
festive season, as they had been " keeping it up" 
for the last fortnight. 

a lady's pun. 

A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, 
being one season at Margate, in the house with six 
others, her relations, and only one gentleman to 
attend the whole ; when one regretting that they 
had not more 01 the male creation, she replied, " If 
we complain of not being well manned* I am sure 
we are well rigged." 

a cobbler's pun. 

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, 
exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the 
Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the 
bullet wound was ; " Och, (said the fellow from 
the sister country) it's been healed lately." 



AND PURPOSES. 171 

A JUDICIAL PUN. 

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, 
who told him he was his kinsman. " Well (re- 
plied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon 
till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim." 

A BACCHANALIAN PUN. 

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a 
zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend 
who met him, whence he came ? He said, " I have 
been spinning out the evening with my neighbour 
Freeport." — " And now (replied the other), you are 
reeling it home." 

A GERMAN PUN. 

A young man of the name of Caesar having mar- 
ried a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon 
his door, " Cave, Ccesar, ne tua Roma fiat respub- 
lica" 

A WHISTLING PUN. 

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin 
of punning. His father, who detested a pun not 
less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine 
of half a crown for each commission of this offence. 
One day the father and son passing along, saw a 
man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely re- 
frain from a pun with which he was big. The pre- 
sence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he 
indulged his wit by whistling, " Through the wood? 
laddie" 



172 PUNS FOE ALL PERSONS 

A manager's PUN. 
A new comedy, on its third representation, being 
thinly attended, the author observed that it was 
all owing to the war. " No (said the manager) I 
fear it is owing to the piece? 

THE ANT I GALLIC AN PUN. 

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill 
of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He 
said it was the French custom to bring wine in a 
measure. The waiter answered, " Sir, we wish for 
no French measures here." 

A CLERICAL PUN. 

A person asked the minister of his parish what 
was meant by " He was clothed with curses as with 
a garment.' 1 '' — " My good friend (said the minister), 
it means that he had got a habit of swearing? 

A SELFISH PUN. 

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster- 
shop as an appendage to his other establishment, 
was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as 
being ungenerous and selfish. " And why (said 
he), would you not have me sell-fish ?"" 

A GAMBLING PUN. 

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, 
M. de C. found himself vis-a-vis at a table cTecarte, 
with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away 
some days before. " This time at least," said M. 



AND PURPOSES. 173 

de S. to whom the circumstance was related, " this 
time, at least, he knew whom he had to deal with !" 

a staymaker's pun. 
A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, 
thus vented his miserable complaint : " Shame 
that I should be without bread; I that have stayed 
the stomachs of thousands !" 

CLERICAL PUNS. 

At a church in Ireland, where there was a po- 
pular call for a minister, as it is termed, two can- 
didates offered to preach, whose names were Adam 
and Low. The latter preached in the morning, 
and took for his text, " Adam, where art thou ?" 
He made a very excellent discourse, and the con- 
gregation were much edified. In the afternoon 
Mr. Adam preached upon these words, " Lo ! here 
am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained 
him the appointment. 

HORNE TOOKE^S PEDIGREE. 

Home Tooke having, in a political argument, 
obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded 
by saying, " his irritable friend looked as red with 
vexation as a Turkey Cock" The other, thinking 
to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this 
sarcasm, observed " that he dared to say Mr. Tooke 



174 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 

had quite forgotten who his father was ?" " Oh f 
no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, " he was a 
Turkey MercJiant, (i. e. a Poulterer.)" 

A JOE MUNDEN. 

It being told the comedian, during his stay at 
Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand 
pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, 
" My wigs and eyes ! five thousand pounds to buy- 
a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next ?" 

PARISIAN PUNS. 

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a 
fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other 
respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his 
paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and 
clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of 
treason. The result was, that, in order to save his 
life, he gave up his possessions ; on which the wits 
of Paris made this pun — " II donnoit Sedan (ses 
dents) pour sauver sa tete." 

% Madame de Stael has been much admired for 
her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, 
but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. 
Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an 
empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, 
and placed herself in an attitude to display her 



AND PURPOSES. 175 

figure to advantage ; but unluckily one of her feet 
peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to 
look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, " O le vilain 
Pie-dental r 

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador 
from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, 
was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to 
the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial 
being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of 
that place. This gave occasion to the wits of 
Paris to observe, that he was still " ambassadeur 
a la Ported 

COMMERCIAL PUNS. 

from " traveller's hall," " English Spy."" 

" I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. 
Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a 
London traveller to a timber merchant. " No, 
sir," said the humourist, " it is not to be seen until 
you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the 
wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany- 
coloured wine as this." " Sir, I blush like rose- 
wood at your impertinence." " Ay, sir, and you '11 
soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if 
you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. 
" There is no being cross-grained with you," said 



176 PUNS FOE ALL PERSONS 

the timber-merchant. " Not unless you cut me," 
retorted Blackstrap, " and you are not sap enough 
for that." " Gentlemen," continued the facetious 
wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I 
shall think we have not met with our dessert; and 
although there be some among us whose principals 
are worth & plum, there are very few of their repre- 
sentatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections 
to my reasons." 

a cockney's pun. 
A Londoner told his friend that he was going to 
Margate for a change of Aair ; " You had better,"" 
said the other, " go to the wig-maker } s shop" 

AN IRISH PUN. 
The tvoo T ay men. 
About the time of the issue of the new crown- 
pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising 
tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, 
for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to 
their credit, a reformation in the price and quality 
of the " fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, 
fond of a cup of " good mixed," thought, what 
much more sensible people do, that the above 
worthies were no less than patriots; but she even 
went further; on being asked by a neighbour the 



AND PURPOSES. 177 

meaning round the edge of the coin of " Decus et 
Tutamen," said she, " By the powers I suppose 
Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are 
the Two T ay men." 

A SPORTING PUN. 

Managing the Pack. 
A country gentleman, who was celebrated for 
taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, 
became so much reduced in circumstances by his 
attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of 
dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews' s 
Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, 
6i that he continued to follow his old predilection, 
for he still managed the pack." 
" bull's" puns on the late panic among the 

BANKERS. 

" In the city, while Currie was Raiking to- 
gether his cash, Sir John Lubbock Fostered his 
Clarkes; Sir William Kay knew his Price ; Rogers 
felt Toogood to smash ; one house in Fleet-street 
Praed to get through it ; and while another chuckled 
like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after 
their concerns — poor Hodsoll" added the dunce, 
" was obliged to give up his Stirling capital; but 
Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt ; 
Dorien, Mag-ens, and Dorien, got Mello with re- 
joicing, and Jansen was never near being ' done 

N 



178 PUNS FOR ALL PEESONS 

Brown C Paocton and Cocker ell, according to culi- 
nary custom, sent their Trail to take care of the 
long-bills ; and though Try might have been in a 
Stew for a time, he (like the Smiths of Mansion 
House-street) soon had his Payne removed. 

"At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude 
up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay 
again ; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit 
whenever he chose ; while the other house in Pall- 
mall declared they had More-land than would settle 
the claims of all their creditors ; and although Mar- 
ten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally 
steady with the house of Cocks (part- Ridges) at 
Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own 
stability ; every body knows, said the wag, that 
Green-nsoood never breaks, and as for Thomas s in 
Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that 
there, all was Wright?' 1 

A HARROW PUN. 

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled 
for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be 
severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of 
healing the breech. 

a soldier's pun. 

The peculiar new mode of drilling the soldiers 
in St, James's Park, ought, from the variety of 
their evolutions, to be termed qnadrilling. 



AND PURPOSES. 179 

A PROFESSIONAL PUN. 

Speaking of professions, there must be somebody 
in every way. i( Ay," replied Taylor the flute 
player, " and there is a great number of folks in 
one another's way" 

A MUSICAL PUN. 

To make a competent double bass player, it re- 
quires a head-piece, while a wind instrument per- 
former wants only a mouth-piece (i. e. a reed). 

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN. 

A needy adventurer coming to London, who 
was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he 
only wanted to pick up a little bread among the 
musical profession ; to which the joker replied, " If 
you can pick up a little Jlesh at the same time, it 
will not be amiss." 

A PUN UPON MY HONOR f 

A person who was addicted to " pledge his honor' 
upon all occasions, observed, on looking through 
the window, " It rains, upon my honor? " Yes," 
said Taylor, " and it will rain upon my honor if 
I go out." 

CLASSICAL PUN. 

" Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, 
" why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to 

n2 



180 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS 

pay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an 
ancient lyric song ? Because it is An-acre-on-tick, 

A WARM PUN. 

" You are never witty," said a friend, " until you 
are well warmed with wine? " That may be," re- 
plied the punster : " but it is no reason, good sir, 
that I am to be ivell-roasted? 

THE EXCISE-OFFICE V. THE STAMP-OFFICE. 

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre 
(and who also belonged to the Excise Office) 
happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing 
out of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp 
violently, and said, " Why don't you play in better 
time, you member of the Excise Office ?"" Upon 
which Foster replied, " None of your jeers to 
members of the Exc'se Office: you seem to be a 
member of the Stamp Office yourself." 

HARPING UPON A FIGURE. 

A professional harpist (who was a very incom- 
petent performer), one night at Drury Lane 
Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the 
head of his harp ; observing that it cost him eight 
guineas the cutting of it. Foster immediately ex- 
claimed, " Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would 
endeavour to cut a figure myself." 



AND PURPOSES. 181 

a punster's REQUISITES FOR AN M. P. 
" To get into the gallery of the House of 
Commons," said a punster, " a man must have 
the ribs of a rhinoceros ; to obtain a good place 
in the body of the house, the qualities of a 
camelion ; to secure a seat on the treasury bench, 
he must not fear to tread-a-wry. Opposition he 
must write thus — ' o^po'-site — position; ministerial, 
men-xvho-steer-well. Private bills he may quote as 
examples of private punishment ,■ the speaker s 
dinners, a speechless banquet, where every guest 
leaves politics for polite-tricks. To speak well and 
long, you must display artificial feelings, have 
leathern lungs, a face of brass, an elephant* s saga- 
city, and a lions courage ; and, with all these quali- 
fications, you may perchance be considered bear- 
able ; without them you are certain to come in for 
a scrape *." 

a punster's aphorisms. 

If you mean to be a domestic animal, never marry 

a woman of a wild disposition. An ugly helpmate, 

though she may have the wealth of Plutus, and the 

virtues of an angel, can never be considered as a 

* Alluding to the practice of the members scraping their 
Feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome. 



182 PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS, &C. 

lovely wife. If you would live happily, always 
whistle when your wife whines or scolds. If she 
should grow furious, take yourself into the cool air, 
without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes 
himself to a storm is sure to get pelted. Never 
offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or 
indelicate expression : the fairest mirror is stained 
by a passing breath. Never marry a woman for 
money, lest, obtaining the honey, you are stung by 
the queen bee. Never lose an opportunity for 
making a good pun, when you can do it consistent 
with good nature, and without endangering the 
esteem of good friends. A pun, to pass current, 
should bear the stamp of wit, and be struck off in 
the mint of originality. A genuine bad pun is not 
always a bad joke. Late hours make lazy servants, 
a loquacious wife, and end in making a long purse 
light, a long illness heavy, and long life very un- 
certain. 

Bernard Blackmantle. 

TARTANl's DREAM A TAIL PIECE. 

Blackmantle's labours here, are done, 
Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel ; 

Approve each epigram and pun, 
And Bernard proves a merry devil. 



PUNNING ESSAY 

ON THE 

ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, 

BY 

THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK*;' 

Originally printed as one of Dean Swift' s Three Manuscripts >• 
discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey. 



A FRAGMENT. 

We observe in Homer's Batrachomyoniachia, that the 
instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse Pterno*- 
glyphus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield 
and jumps into the lake : and this confirms our etymo- 
logy of the mouse's name, Turn ugly face* 

* This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, 
was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's ' Stranger in Ireland ;' and a 
more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found 
in the English language. The book is now out of print, and only 
to be met with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to 
suppose that the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his 
work, much as I should have had to regret the loss of these articles 
here, I certainly would not have taken them to do injury to their 
own witty and original parent. 



184 J'tTKNtNG ESSAY, 

In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse 
called Lichenor, which some, who, like certain commen- 
tators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the 
Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying one 
addicted to licking, but here we see the imbecility of 
foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. 
Their explanation is certainly something near the 
mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the 
matter is ours — Lick and gi:atv? It is true, that I 
may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, 
but even granting them the full latitude of understand- 
ing by their words, as applied to our military mouse, 
that he was one addicted to licking or conquering, yet 
is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in 
our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that 
Lichenor was not so much " addicted to licking" as to 
being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him 
through the body with a rush. See I. 202. 

At v. 244, we have the mouse Sitophagus, who like 
many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels 
and betook himself to a snug dry ditch— -YjXolto S'ss 
rciipov. I had always some suspicion that this name 
was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the 
foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary 
world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to 
place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all 
doubt : — Set off again — his invariable custom on these 
occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied 
the art militaire in Hudibras, where he learnt that 

Timely running's no mean part 

Of conduct in the martial art. 



Running essay. 185 

Sitophagus, from Set off again, is perfectly within 
the canon of parce detorta, which it may not be amiss 
here to repeat : 

" New words are allowable, if they descend/' says 
Horace, "from the English* spring, with a sparing 
distortion." 

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through 
the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle 
of the frogs and mice ; nor is it necessary, for it must 
be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are all 
derived from one scarce. Such, however, as occur to 
me elsewhere, and a:e thought by many to have very 
different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dis- 
pelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of 
truth. 

Pallas. This word should be written thus 'Pallas, 
with an apostrophe, as in the instance of fore for afore. 
Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so 
called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, 
that had the power of killing or turning into stone, 
which was indeed enough to Appal us. 

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled 
Stafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to 
prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of 
Pallas from the Paleness she occasions in her followers.. 
The author's words are simply. " Pallas, whose iiverie is 
paleness,'' which, if allowed to have any etymological 



* Anglo fonte cadant, parce detorta. 
So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, 
correcting the corruption (Grceco fonte) which has so long obtained; 
to the injury of truth and good letters. 



186 PUNNING ESSAY. 

bearing; will, from their date, at once deprive me of all 
credit for originality in this department of philology. 
The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point. 

Venus, from voean us, as it is even now elegantly pro- 
nounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that 
power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, 
namely, to wean us from all other earthly things, and 
hence the undoubted derivation. 

'Hys^ovv, or Egemon, with the Greeks, meant a ge- 
neral, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar 
phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the 
office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to 
egg *em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the 
aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, 
as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. 
" Hi hani" for I am. 

Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I 
should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, 
and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable 
for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an 
abbreviated pronunciation of Macaronies. 

Celsus. This philosopher composed a treatise against 
the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the 
Christians, in a merry mood, said, he sells us, and from 
that moment he bore his present name. 

L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cog- 
nomen of mummius, or mummy us, from being sent 
against the Achseans, whom he beat most unmercifully. 

Boreas. This wind was long without a name, until 
the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly 
troublesome, would be continually crying, " how they 
bore us !" which in time gave rise to the word boreas. 



TUNNING ESSAY. 187 

or as it was originally pronounced bore us. Here we 
presently come at the etymology of the verb to bore, 
which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile 
every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the 
Persian Boreus, and Borus the son of Perieres, had their 
names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attri- 
buted to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess 
what they were, and are by no means willing to ven- 
ture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is 
worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these 
gentlemen are mentioned by Polysenus and Apollodorus, 
but without a word in the Stratagems of the one, or in 
the Bibliotheca of the other, that throws any light on 
the matter. 

Phi/ostratus. A famous sophist, and very liberal and 
expensive in his entertainments, from which circum- 
stance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen 
of Jill us, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is 
short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly 
excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the 
description of parce detorta. 

M annus. It is imagined that this divinity obtained 

his name from having once undertaken to furnish some 

jlert with men ; but from being a German God, and for 

other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in 

this etymology. 

JEsymnus. This anxious politician's consulting 
Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legis- 
lation, made the witlings of his time call the God his 
nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim ease him nurse, 
which speaks for itself. 

Bacchus, or Backus; and admirably so called, be- 



188 PUNNING ESSAY. 

cause he is found to be the second best in the world, in- 
spiring courage even in a coward. 

Confucius. About the etymology of the title of this 
famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; 
but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he ob- 
tained it from being a philosopher of the modern de- 
scription, who put every thing into confusion. 

Damon. This poet received his name from a cir- 
cumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. 
When the sentence was brought to him, he began 
d — ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the offi- 
cer, a rough fellow, said, " Oh, you may Damn on as 
long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." 
And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who 
are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observa- 
tions repeated, nicknamed him Damon, or as it was for- 
merly written and spoken, Dammon. 

Alula. The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. 
Athen. So called because the moment she took the 
iield on any side, that side had the battle all hollow. 

JEsacus. He persecuted a nymph so much w T ho did 
not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and 
was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still 
continued to exclaim, as she was wont, he's a curse, 
which soon became the lover's appellation. 

Titans. A title given to the sons of Ccelus and 
Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. 
They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c ; 
but when the god heard that they were about to fight 
with him, he smiled, and cried, " Ay, ay, — ecod they're 
tight 'uns !" and this name has distinguished them 
ever since. 



PUNNING ESSAY. 189 

The above word reminds me of an eastern one — p*ilM 
or Abaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand 
instances of the like nature, prove the superior antiquity 
of the English language over that of the Jews, as well 
as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, in an 
equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon 
is a name belonging to the devil, and the most ignorant 
will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its 
expressive etymology in A bad 'un. 

In fine — sunt certi denique jines — There have been 
writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war 
" a local habitation and a name j" others go still fur- 
ther, and say that no such man as Homer, the author 
of the Iliad, ever existed ; and a third party, proceeding 
another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there 
never mere any ancients. But one wise man (with whom 
I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those 
who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of 
the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who 
live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of 
past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the 
just and legitimate ancients. This, being reasonably 
substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm 
the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native 
tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the 
irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have 
no more doubt than I have with respect to any thing 
yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be the unw 
versa! language. 



EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER, 

BEING 

RULES FOR PUNNING, 

OR 

PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. 

A FRAGMENT. 

11 Comitantibus armis, 
PUNim se — attollet gloria.'''' Virg. JEn. iv. 

Prefatory remarks on the art of punning — its an- 
tiquity from Homer's outls, through Sophocles, Cicero, 
&c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. 
Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it — a 
lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. 
Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, 
nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well- 
known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, 
&c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruc- 
tion of three-quarters of what are called the whs of our 
times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers. 

Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, 
a man might as well go into a gambling house without 
knowing how to play, as into company without knowing 
how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are 
necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what 
Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, 
be said of me, with regard to punning — " Mngistcr 
crat." 



EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 191 

In the rules divide thus — puns for every day, in one 
week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, 
in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, 
varied according to the class of life, and the rank held 
in the particular establishment, &c. &c. 

MASTER OF A FAMILY. 

First day — Sketch to be filled up. 

Sunday. — This is a day of rest for all things but 
women's tongues and puns — they have none. You go 
to church, of course, to set a good example to your fa- 
mily, but let them attend to the parson, you may be 
preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a 
party. 

The man of the house is nothing without his wife. 
It is becoming that she should assist you — she is your 
help-mate. Connive together, and let her put leading 
questions. Half an hour before dinner — company come. 

All very stupid as usual. Mrs. observes, that she 

fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was 
obliged to take Adam, the footman, to the park, on ac- 
count of the children. The husband immediately re- 
marks, that Adam may be the first of men, but he is a 
damn slow fellow. 

Mrs, — — -. My dear Tom, you deserve a Cane for 
that. 

Mr. . Ay, if you were Able to give it to me, 

who am a host to-day. Perhaps you were on the Eve 
of saying this ; well, there 's as much chance in these 
things as in a Pair o' dice. 

(A general laugh.) 



192 EVERY MAN HIS OWN TUNSTER. 

Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I 
don't know that any thing more can be made of it. 

N. B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam, or he 
will suffer you to call him so. 

Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and 
Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the 
father. Call your daughter, Lucy, because, if you are 
a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in "luce 
clarior." Your other girl, Sally, ran away with an 
apothecary. Mrs. will say this, and you '11 ex- 
claim, " Ah, Sal volatile !" 

Invite a poor French priest * to your table at these 
times. He is always to ask, when your children appear, 
" Est ee quits sont tons par la meme mere?" 

When you are to reply — " Yes, I believe they are all 
by the same mare, but I won't answer for the horse t." 

This is not very complimentary to your wife ; but it 
would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be 
lost for such a trifling consideration. 

If you consult decency too much, there 's an end of 
wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over 

squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. may say, " My 

dear Tom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner." 

Mr. . " Bring up the dinner, my love ? Heaven 

forbid ! As Dido says, that 's ' sic sic,' so so { ." 

* The word Emigre, which appears in this article as before printed, 
would at once destroy the unquestionable right Swift has to the honour 
of this MS. for Emigre did not obtain in our language till long 
after his death. 

f This has been given to Foote ; but dates decide. 

I JEn. iv. 660, 



EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 193 

You must not be too nice, as I observed before. 

(Mrs. rings the bell.) 

Enter Servant. 

Mrs* . Is dinner ready ? 

Mr. (Looking round.)— The chops are, I'm sure. 
Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am. 

(A crash heard as if an accident.) 
Mr. Dishing indeed — I fear it's dished. 

Dinner — all seated. 

Mrs. . Will any body take soup ? 

Mr. -. What, before grace, you graceless rogues. 

There's no parson here, I see, though we are not with- 
out some of the cloth. Well, I'll say it — grace at 
dinner is meet. 

[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder 
of good-humour.] 

Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table 
empty. 

Mr. . Why what the devil 's this — no salt ! 

Mrs. . (As planned.) — You have salt enough, 

I 'm sure, my dear. 

Mr. - . ee Ego punior ipse," Ovid. Very well, 

very well ! my wife is not amiss: but the salt, Adam. 

Adam. Sir, the house-keeper 's gone out, and I don 't 
know where to get any. 

Mr. . Why an 't here four salt sellers? 

[The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is 
to laugh heartily nevertheless.] 

Mrs. . Here, Adam ; take this key, and you'll 

find some in the store-room, at the top of the house. 

Mr. . Attic salt, eh ! ha, ha, ha ! Well, come 



194 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 

let's fall to; this meat will keep no longer without 
salt. 

Mrs. . My dear Tom, that rich dish will only 

give you the gout. 

Mr. . Pooh ! " Chacun a son gout" Why 

should not I eat it, as well as another ? 

Mrs. . Bless me, how you mangle that duck. 

Mr. . Mangle it, my love. Well, I think that 's 

better than to wash andiron it ; but tell me how you'll 
have it done, and you shall find me ductile. 

[Many opportunities will offer of making obscene puns, 
but I give no rules for these ; they come naturally to 
every punster ! All I shall say is, that they must never 
be neglected.] 

Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your 
little boys must inquire for some. 

Mr. . My dear, this is Sunday; you know we 

can 't have pancakes till Fri-day. 

[Many more puns must be introduced. Champaign, 
real pain ; after all cheese is best, &c] 

The company will, probably, add some, and you may, 
also, by accident 5 however, you 11 have this advantage 
over your friends, that you '11 be certain of all these 
while you 're with your wife, and at home. Your ac- 
quaintance, of course, have names, and if they have no 
other merit, it 's very hard if you can *t make something 
of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that. 

DESSERT. 

Mr. . (e Give every man his deserts." Shakspeare. 

Mrs. — . My love, shall I send you a peach ? 



EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 195 

Mr. . Yes, and if it isn't a good one, I '11 im- 

peach your judgment. 

By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer 
you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is 
not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. 
You then reply — Ay, I see it 's one of the /hzs-beens. 

Mrs. . Oh ! that 's too bad. 

Mr. - . Why, it 's wit at a pinch, at any rate ; 

therefore it need not make you baw — I, as if I had got 
into the wrong box. — {Turning to the boys.) — What's 
Latin for goose, eh ! 

Boys. Brandy, papa ! 

Mrs. . You '11 kill yourself with that vile liquor. 

Mr. . How can that be — Isn 't it eau de vie ? 

Mrs. , at some time, must call for the nutmeg 

grater. — You take it, and address your neighbour : Sir, 
you are a great man, but here is a grater. 

The sweetmeats will be praised of course. 

Mr. . All my wife's doing. Nancy's a notable 

woman, I assure you ; but I 'm more not able than she 
is, an 't I, my dear ? 

Ladies all rise. 

Airs. . (Blushing.) — I can take a hint. My 

dear, pray touch the bell. 

Mr. . (Chucking a young lady under the chin.) 

— Yes, my love, I '11 touch the belle. 

Mrs. . ( Going.) — You wag ! 

Mr . No, I think you wag, but — (bowing) — I 

bow to you. 

The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. 
They will all have recourse to their mother tongue, and 



196 EVEltY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 

the most ignorant will shine the most. The master 
must begin with half a dozen obscene puns, to make 
himself agreeable, and the conversation general *. 

THE TEA TABLE. 

Mr. . (Entering after all the rest.) — Ah ! Mrs. 

, what I see you are at home to a T to-night. 



Boys. Pa, we have had no tea. 

Mr. . te Sine te juventas." That's wrong. It 

is right that you should not be left out. 

Mrs. purposely sends a dish of tea to a lady, 

without sugar, of which she complains. 

Mr . (Handing the sugar basin.) — Well, ma'am, 

if you do not like it, you may lump it. 

QMiss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in 
her first attempt.] 

Mrs. . (As planned.) — That comes of playing at 



sight. 



Mr. . At sight! Why what the deuce would 

come if she was to shut her eyes? 

If any thing like serious or sensible conversation 
should be introduced, and there 's no knowing what 
some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once 



* Here I have run my pencil through several puns on the ladies' 
retiring. Though he says it is unnecessary. Sxtift could not help 
indulging the natural bent of his genius, which is a strong proof of 
the authenticity of the MS. An additional evidence appears in a 
query in a memorandum made on the margin of this MS. for the 
puns for a. farmer. Some one, who has rye-fields, is to write to him 
— Pray send me men to mow rye? and he is to return a skull. 
Memento mori — Don't you see ? But query — will 'mowing rye do 
for any but our Irish farmers? 



EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 197 

with a pun. If he talk of war, suppose he means the 
Pim-ic war, and say that in your battles you are with 
Livy — " Punctim magis quam ccesim peto hostem." 
If he speak of the army, look archly at your wife, and 
say you expect soon to have a son in arms, &c. Should 
he mention the Prince of Wales, inquire, which is 
greater, the Dolphin of France or the Prince of 
Wales? solving the question immediately with Ju- 
venal's 

" Delphinis Balcena Britannica major." 
Than Dolphins greater is the British Whale. 

Now something about going into Bedfordshire and 
the land of Nod will wind up what is commonly called 
a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. 
I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any 
practical jokes, which lead to puns, and fall at all short 
of murder, the treat will be improved. 

Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did 
not know there was any harm. Break his shin — that 's 
leg-al. Pull away his chair * when he is sitting down — 
you 've good ground for it. Run your head against his 
— tuoo heads are better than one. Overturn the milk- 



* Memorandum. This joke is recommended, by the surgeons, for 
all seasons ; but, in my system, better arranged, it will be proper to 
distinguish. In the •winter, when the carpet's down, you are glad to 
bring that affair on the tapis. In the spring, the earth begins to 
bear every thing. In the summer, it's " summum jus," because it's 
" summa injuria," and the carpet being up, you give him hoard with 
a deal of pleasure, that's plain : and in the autumn, you allude to 
the fall. Besides, what does he do in a chair — all flesh is grass — 
hay! 



no 

198 EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. 

jug on him — then he's in the milky tvay. So with the 
urn — then he 's in hot water. When he hops about, say- 
he seems in a /awe-ntable way. Let the boys knock the 
candle into some lady's lap — this you may call a voick-ed 
thing, &c. &c. Intersperse these, with other such ami- 
able pleasantries as these, and all the fools (a com- 
manding majority in every assembly in the country), 
will shout for joy, extol your wit, and applaud your 
ingenuity. 



LONDON : 

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